Paperwork and School-Dance Paradigms

TO: SJMcGarrett-Williams@hawaii50.gov
FROM: GovSDenning@hawaiigov.gov
RE: required forms and lack of completion thereof
Monday, October 3 2:25:43 p.m.

Commander,

It has been brought to my attention that Form 8992(b) has not yet been completed and returned to the GAO as required any time a state owned vehicles is declared totaled or rendered beyond repair. I have been informed by HPD that one of their cruisers was, in fact, destroyed while in your possession. As the vehicle in question was requisitioned, driven, and subsequently totaled by you seven (7) working days ago, Form 8992(b) is now four (4) days overdue.

I am certain you understand the importance of complying in a timely fashion with the completion and submission of all mandatory forms. I expect to have the aforementioned form completed and signed and on my desk no later that 5:00 p.m. today. Failure to provide said form will result in you being held personally liable for the damages to the state owned vehicle and will be required to pay for its replacement, estimated at $47,984.76 including all of the equipment that was destroyed along with the car itself.

Steve could not help but sigh in frustration when he finished reading the latest electronic missive from Governor Denning. Seriously? It’s not like Steve had wrecked the police car on purpose. It was hardly his fault that it had been knocked into the Pacific Ocean while he and Danny were chasing those drug smugglers. Sure, he’d driven the police cruiser onto the freighter they had been using to move their shipments. And, well, he couldn’t have predicted that they would use a bulldozer – a bulldozer – who has a bulldozer on a ship??? – to plow the car off the side. Who could have predicted that? Luckily he and Danny were already out of the car when the bad guys decided to turn it into scrap metal while sending it to its watery death. And now the Governor had his boxers in a twist because the stupid form wasn’t turned in. Really? This is what his life had come down to? Justifying the destruction of a police cruiser? They’d caught the drug smugglers. Didn’t that count for anything? Danny had barely escaped being shot through the leg. He’d risked life and limb, literally, to stop the thugs from escaping. And their thanks was Form 8992(b)?

Steve sighed again, going to the ‘forms’ section of the official Hawaii state government website, searching for the required, overdue form. The first result he got said it was Form 8992(b) but upon further reading, it was to be used to request maternity leave for employees of the state treasurers’ office. The state treasures’ office had its own form for maternity leave? Why?

Rather than consider it further, Steve searched ‘destruction of government vehicle’ and instantly found the correct form. He shifted in his chair momentarily, steeling himself to double-click the appropriate icon. When he did, it was a jumble of words, check boxes, and rectangles just daring him to include more information than characters allotted to each space.

Okay. He’d graduated Annapolis top of his class. He could handle one form. And despite what Danny claimed loudly and frequently, Steve did (occasionally) do his own paperwork. Granted, never with the flair or panache or alacrity (alacrity? oh God – Danny’s word of the day calendar-inspired vocabulary was entering Steve’s brain without his permission) with which Danny did his, but still the only good paperwork was finished, submitted paperwork.

Question #1 - vehicle registration number of damaged vehicle. How would he know that? He didn’t pay the insurance or take care of the license plates. Didn’t the state have that on file? Chin could find it without any trouble. No. That was cheating. And if he asked Chin, completely innocently, to find said registration number, Danny would accuse him of trying to get Chin to do all of the paperwork for him. So totally not true. Okay. He didn’t know the registration number.

Question #2 – if registration number is unavailable, explain why it is unavailable. “It’s at the bottom of the Pacific.” Was that an acceptable answer? Would someone in the GAO yell at him if he put that as the answer? Best not to think of that possible outcome.

Question #3 – if registration number is unavailable, complete form 9976(q) to request information required in order to complete form 8992(b). Oh dear God. He had to fill out a different form to get information required for this form? And he was only on question three? He was in so much trouble.

He returned to the government website to search for form 9976(q) to discover request is outdated. Form 9976(q) has been discontinued. Once a replacement is made available, it will be posted on the official website.

How was he going to complete form 8992(b) without completing 9976(q) which no longer existed? And some people had the nerve to say that the Navy had a problem with paperwork?

Question #4 – explain the circumstances under which the vehicle was damaged. Provide as much detail as possible including time of day, weather conditions, rate of speed of vehicle at time of damage, other vehicles involved in the damage, condition of the other vehicles, etc. Weather conditions? What difference did that make? The bulldozer didn’t care if it was raining or not. Time of day was… let’s see. John and Emma were still in school. So it had to be before 2:30. He and Danny hadn’t had lunch that day so it could have been any time after they left the office. They checked out the police car at 9:32. Okay, took without permission more than checked out but Danny’s Camaro was in the shop for reasons totally not Steve’s fault. And Steve’s truck had been commandeered by the children. Something about hay bales and Homecoming? He hadn’t really listened. Alicia had asked and he had said yes. Because when had he ever said no to her? Not likely he ever would. Although why Stan didn’t just buy her a truck was beyond him. Maybe it was Rachel that didn’t want Alicia driving around Oahu in a truck. Not that Steve thought there was anything wrong with the Volkswagen Alicia drove. It just wasn’t very big which is why she had taken his truck. And that’s why they had to use a police cruiser that day.

Question #5 - Attach the mandatory drug and alcohol screening for the driver of the vehicle in question. This wasn’t a question, per se. It was instructions. Wait – mandatory drug and alcohol screening? They hadn’t had a drug or alcohol screening after the car was shoved off the ship. They weren’t in it. They didn’t wreck it. The drug dealers did. And Steve was pretty sure that those particular dealers would have had interesting results if they had been subjected to a drug and alcohol screening. Him and Danny? They had neither needed nor submitted to one. They didn’t even need to be checked over by the EMTs when the excitement finally scaled down. An admittedly unusual turn of events.

Question #6 – Describe any and all physical injuries to driver and passenger(s) resulting from incident in which state vehicle was damaged. Well, two of the drug dealers were dead. But that didn’t have anything to do with the car. Three of them were behind bars. One of those had a gun shot wound to the shoulder and the other came very close to being a soprano. The singing kind not the mafia kind. But the car didn’t do that to them. Steve and Danny did.

Question #7 – Describe any and all previous incidents in which the driver was involved that resulted in substantial damage to other vehicles. What did that matter? Steve didn’t have an Excel spreadsheet to record ‘any and all previous incidents.’ Who keeps score? Anyway most of those ‘incidents’ were to Danny’s Camaro or Steve’s truck, not state owned vehicles. Those damages were not germane to this report. No, he wasn’t listing even the ones he could remember.

Question #7(b) – Record below official record number(s) of all previously submitted form(s) 8992(b). Oh. Well. Steve had no idea where those copies might be. They must have been filed…somewhere? Did H5-0 have actual filing cabinets? They must, right? Where would those be? And why did he have no idea? He was in charge. Shouldn’t he know where the file cabinets were?

All right. He was totally out of his depth. And why didn’t they have a secretary? Errr… administrative assistant? Somebody whose job was to fill out and file all the endless paperwork?

He looked through the window of his office, seeing Danny at his desk watching Steve watch Danny. Surely Danny would help him out. Surely. Maybe. If Steve traded a blow job for the paperwork. Danny would do almost anything for a blow job, not that Steve wasn’t wiling to provide that particular favor any time Danny even thought about wanting one.

Steve lifted his eyebrows at Danny, working on his come-hither expression. Or possibly his ‘I’ll suck your brain out your cock if you’ll do this for me’ expression. Either way. He could see Danny sigh before getting up from behind his desk to cross over to Steve’s office.

“What?” Danny asked, suspicion and exasperation in that one word.

“I’ll blow you if you’ll do this,” Steve said, seeing no advantage to tact in this situation.

“You blow me all the time. Which I do not take for granted, mind you. And not that it isn’t incredibly fabulous each and every time. Because it is. So why would I do whatever it is you want me to do which I am not dumb enough to believe for one second does not include you requesting me to finish your paperwork. Am I close?”

“Frankly, I have no idea. I have no idea what you just said,” Steve told him, a smile fighting to break out over his face.

“You so owe me a blowjob no matter what,” Danny told him, stalking toward him. “Move. Move your giagantor body out of the way so I have room to work.”

“Why do you continually insult me? I offer you a blow job and you resort to name calling,” Steve protested, leaning against his desk, positioning his leg close enough to touch Danny’s foot and calf with his own.

“Do you want to talk or do you want to finish this report?” Danny asked, not bothering to look up at Steve as he asked. He knew the answer.

Steve didn’t even try to respond, instead watching Danny’s finger fly over the keyboard. He might have goofy thumbs but Steve didn’t know anyone who could type as fast as Danny. “Do we have file cabinets?”

“Yes.”

“Where?” Steve asked, all casual disinterest.

“Filing room,” Danny told him, full focus still on the computer screen.

“We have a filing room?”

“Tours on alternate Thursdays. You’ll have to wait until then, Babe.” Danny glanced up at Steve, his fingers not slowing. “Instead of lurking over me, how about getting me a cup of coffee?”

“Why don’t we have a secretary?”

“You are in charge. You should be able to answer that,” Danny reminded him.

“Hmmm… A secretary would be good, wouldn’t it?”

“Sure. I’ll fill out that form just as soon as I finish this one,” Danny told him, turning to look up at him. “Coffee?”

“I’ll be back,” Steve said with a smile as he left his office. It took a little longer than expected to return because Steve decided his Danno needed fresh coffee, not the sludge that had been slowly hardening in the bottom of the pot all day. His smile was even brighter when he returned, setting the coffee on his desk within easy reach.

“Thank you,” Danny said, full focus still on the electronic form. He used his left hand to snag his coffee cup, his right still flying over the keyboard.

“Are you making this up?” Steve asked, leaning sideways to look at what Danny had written so far.

“I sure as hell can’t tell the truth,” Danny pointed out. “I’m using some ‘creative license.’”

“Creative license,” Steve repeated with a laugh.

“Don’t you have children who need to be collected from their school?” Danny asked him, glancing quickly up at him before returning to the form.

Steve checked his watch, shaking his head. “Another 20 minutes. If you hurry, I can blow you before I go get them.”

“No. Just no,” Danny said. “We are not having sex in your office. Windows. The entire office is made of windows.”

“The bathroom’s not,” Steve reminded him with a suggestive leer. There was a time when Danny would not have been able to ignore that look. It was still hard but he managed to almost ignore him.

“As I am all too aware,” Danny assured him. “As tempting as your offer is, and no way can I pretend it’s not, we aren’t having sex in your office. We aren’t having sex in my office. And we are no longer having sex in the bathroom. The bed. That’s where we will have sex.”

“Not on a train? Not in the rain? Not in a box? Not with….”

“Stop. Stop channeling Dr. Seuss. How can you take our daughter’s favorite Seuss book and turn it into a recitation of where we will and will not be having sex?” Danny demanded, staring up at him.

Steve just shrugged innocently and kissed Danny on the top the head. Like that would guarantee him absolution. Well, it really would but Steve didn’t need to know that it was a foregone conclusion.

“Go pick up your children, please. By the time you get back, I’ll be done and I can take them home and feed them.”

“Will you take me home too?” Steve asked, all puppy-dog face and wide eyes.

“I’d say no but I know you’d just follow us and howl outside our door until we took pity on you,” Danny said, trying very hard to frown at Steve.

“Yep,” Steve agreed, holding out his hand in expectation.

“What? It’s not time for your allowance yet. What do you want?”

“The car keys?” Steve suggested.

“Why don’t you have your keys? What happened to those?” Danny asked as he stood up to extract his keys. “Did they get lost in your multiple pockets? I told you to make an index of what goes where.”

“These are my keys, Danno. You’re the one who lost his. Not me,” Steve said cheerfully as he snatched the keys from Danny’s unresisting hand and hurried toward the door. “Various Williams-McGarretts will return shortly.”

“Drive the speed limit please,” Danny shouted after him, knowing it was utterly useless. When Steve had disappeared, Danny left Steve’s office, going directly into Chin’s. “You find the registration number yet?”

“I got it right here,” Chin agreed. “Why didn’t you tell Steve I was hunting it down?”

Danny shrugged, accepting the post-it note and returning to Steve’s office. Chin’s laugh followed him.

~0~

Danny looked through the window when he heard the unmistakable sound of the return of his husband along with their two children. He smiled at the happy noises, watching as they all tumbled into Steve’s office. “Hello,” he greeted them.

“Danno,” Emma said, waiting until Steve was settled on the couch before sitting on top of him.

“What is wrong with the rest of the couch?” Steve tried even as he wrapped his arms around his daughter.

Emma shrugged. “Danno doing your homework again?”

“Paperwork, little miss,” Steve corrected, making her laugh.

“Whatever. Sit down before you finish wearing out the carpet,” she ordered John who was pacing in front of them.

“What’s up, John-John?” Danny asked when John stopped in mid-stride.

“Nothing, really. Just. You know. Stuff,” John said with a hand-wave he had learned from his shorter father.

“Stuff is kind of generic, Bud. Want to elaborate?” Steve asked, resting his chin on the top of Emma’s head.

“Well,” Kono said when she entered Steve’s office. “I thought I heard a herd of elephants tromping through here.”

“Nope. Just these strays,” Danny assured her.

She nodded seriously before turning and leaving, the kids laughing at her.

“Spill it,” Emma said, watching John with an intensity she had inherited from her Navy father. One that was a little scary and always effective.

John shrugged, leaning against the front of Steve’s desk. “Really. It’s not anything. Or not any one thing. It’s… you know.”

“If we knew, we wouldn’t be asking,” Emma said sensibly.

John shrugged again, frowning over at Emma. “Is it true that Aiu invited you to the dance next week?”

“Oh. My. God. I am going to kill Zachary. Kill him until he is dead.”

“Please, for the love of all that is holy, tell me Aiu did not invite you to the dance,” Danny said. “Can sixth graders even go to the eight grade dance?”

“What’s the big deal, Danno? He didn’t ask me to have his babies. He asked me to a school dance. One where you and Super SEAL will no doubt be chaperoning and scaring the crap out of all the other kids,” Emma responded.

“What is this language you are using?” Steve asked her. “And why do you care if Emma goes to the dance with Aiu? Where, yes, we will be chaperoning.”

“Aiu, Steven,” Danny replied with excessive hand-waving. “And you are not, I repeat, NOT having his babies.”

“Well. DUH,” Emma replied.

“He’s mostly harmless. Is that what’s concerning you?” Steve asked John.

“I asked Mi'llin to go with me but she still hasn’t answered yes or no. I thought she liked me,” John said, mostly directing his statement to Emma.

“She does,” Emma said, genuine warmth in her voice as she talked to her brother. “She wants to say yes. She doesn’t want to hurt Austin’s feelings.”

John nodded at that, sitting on the couch next to Steve and Emma. “Maybe I’ll tell her to go with Austin. Then she won’t have to choose.”

“If that feels right, Bud,” Steve said, looking over at Danny for confirmation. Danny was frowning and nodding which Steve took to mean he agreed.

“No, John. She wants to go with you,” Emma assured him.

“What does that matter?” John asked in defeat.

“It matters because you should watch out for yourself as much as you do everyone else,” Emma told him. “Why does he always put himself last?” she asked Steve, twisting enough to see her father on whom she was still sitting.

“I don’t know, Princess. He always has,” Steve told her.

“He’s sitting right here, you know,” John protested, not sounding angry for all that he was pretending to frown.

“Oh. Hey,” Emma said in mock surprise. “So if it could be all about me for a minute.”

“Like it isn’t every minute,” John said, leaning away from her when she punched him.

“Are you going to take me shopping for a new dress, Danno?”

Danny sighed, standing up from behind Steve’s desk. “No. I don’t want you going with Aiu. And I’m boycotting the dress shopping in protest.”

She shrugged, smiling at Steve. “You’ll take me, won’t you, Daddy?”

Steve glanced from Emma to Danny and back. If he had been counting on Danny’s help out of this conundrum, he was in for a disappointment. “Uhmm….”

“You don’t even need a new dress, Em,” John said. “You have six in your closet.”

“I wore those already,” she said, her tone clearly adding as if. “I can’t wear the same dress twice.”

“You can’t?” Steve asked.

“Daddy.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. I’m not up-to-speed on the school dance paradigm where it relates to dresses,” Steve told her.

“We could go now,” John suggested.

“You want to shopping with her?” Danny asked John in suspicion.

“We can all go. Then you can take us to dinner. You know. Some place nice,” John suggested with a broad smile.

“Did the two of you plan this?” Steve asked, sharing Danny’s suspicion that the children had been plotting behind their backs.

“Us?” Emma said, all innocent and guileless. Or at least hoping to appear that way.

“We don’t have school tomorrow,” John said. “And we haven’t had dinner. Makes sense to me.”

“You don’t have school tomorrow?” Steve repeated with a tiny frown.

“No Daddy. Teachers’ work day,” Emma told him.

“Then you’ll have to stay at Rachel’s. Danno can’t take the day off work,” Steve said.

“You have a mean boss,” Emma told Danny who just shrugged.

“Only way to keep him in line,” Steve claimed, smiling over at Danny. “You finish my homework for me?”

“Yes, dear. It’s right here on your desk waiting to be signed. You can meet me and the kids at the boutique over on Alahoo after you drop it off.”

“Alahoo? You said you wouldn’t take me shopping,” Emma said, all bright smiles and excitement.

“I shouldn’t. But I happened to notice the most beautiful lavender dress in their window. It will be perfect for you,” Danny admitted, smiling warmly at Emma.

“Long sleeves?” Steve asked, making Danny frown.

“High neck?” John added.

“Floor length? Matching bloomers underneath?” Emma asked.

“A hundred tiny buttons?” Steve added.

Danny sighed, all put-upon patience. “You done?”

“I’m done,” Steve said, glancing at Emma and John. “You done?”

They agreed they were, Emma kissing Danny on the cheek after Steve leveraged her onto her feet. “Thank you, Danno.”

“I don’t know why I keep agreeing when you don’t deserve it. No one who sasses her fathers as much as you do deserves a new dress.”

“I come by it honestly,” she reminded him. And he had no answer at all to give in response to that. It was so true.