Chapter 5

When Jim woke, he was surprised that Spock was still asleep. He leaned over the side of his bed, watching Spock and smiling to himself. There was something undeniably endearing about seeing his friend sleeping so peacefully, his face relaxed, no signs of strain or struggle. He wondered if he should wake Spock and then realized he had no real idea what time it was. Since he was awake, he assumed it was morning but the cabin did not have a clock. And his internal sense of time was abysmal. It had always been weak but being in space with no sun to gauge by, he generally had absolutely no idea what time it was.

He carefully climbed off of his bed and crossed over to the bathroom. Finding it unlocked, he went in to take care of his morning routine. As he finished brushing his teeth, he realized he’d forgotten to lock the doors when the one to the other cabin was opened by one of the crew they had met at dinner.

“Oh. I’m so sorry, Captain,” she said, the color creeping up her pale cheeks under the most adorable freckles he thought he had ever seen.

“No apology necessary, Lt. Williamson. I forgot to lock the door,” he said with a charming smile. She was wearing fleece pajamas that did an admirable job of covering her up and he didn’t think her blush was caused by what she was wearing.

“I still should have knocked, sir,” she said in a rush.

“No harm no foul,” he said, picking up his shave kit and his slightly damp towel. “I’ll leave you to it.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“Could you tell me what time it is?” he requested when he was standing in his cabin, the door not yet closed.

“0734, sir,” she said.

“Thanks again,” he said with a nod, backing the rest of the way out of the range of the door.

“Only you could find someone to flirt with this early in the morning,” Spock said, one eyebrow raised in silent amusement.

“I was not flirting,” Jim denied, throwing his towel at Spock. “I was trying to make her less uncomfortable.”

“That is a reasonable explanation,” Spock said in that tone that said he did not believe it for one second.

“I’m surprised I woke up first,” Jim said casually, sitting on Spock’s bed as Spock slid up to rest against the headboard.

Spock shrugged at that. “We have no particular place to be. While sleeping late is not my custom, it is a luxury in which I will indulge given the opportunity.”

“You enjoy it,” Jim teased.

Spock made no response to that, merely gazing back at him.

“I didn’t wake you up last night, did I?” Jim asked with a laugh at Spock’s lack of denial.

“You did not. You made no indication of any dreams,” Spock assured him.

Jim nodded at that. “Good. If I can find my way to the mess, I’m going to go get some coffee.”

“Should I draw you a map?” Spock asked

“Nah. I think I remember where it is,” Jim said as he stood up to dress. “If I get lost, one of the crew will direct me.”

“True. I will meet you there once I am ready,” Spock said, watching as Jim pulled on his blue jeans and a tee shirt.

“Are you wearing your uniform?” Jim asked as he put on his shoes.

“I am not.”

“’Kay. I’ll see you soon,” Jim said to Spock nods. He found the mess much more easily than he had expected, many of the crew already there. With a cup of steaming coffee and a plate of waffles and bacon, he accepted Captain Harrington’s invitation to join her at her table. Already there was Chief Engineer Mottaky who was telling her Captain about a mysterious leak which she had been unable to trace or repair.

“I’m pretty good with hydraulic lines,” Jim said casually. “I’d be glad to see what I might be able to do.”

“You won’t mind getting grease all over your hands, sir?” Mottaky asked with a smile.

“I was what you might call a grease monkey before I joined Starfleet,” he said.

“I’d appreciate your help then, sir,” she agreed. They looked over at the entrance at Spock walked in, dressed in all black. He came directly over to the table, greeting those already there.

“You slept well?” Captain Harrington asked him.

“Very well, sir,” Spock agreed with a nod.

“Please join us when you have your breakfast,” Harrington said in invitation.

“I will. May I bring anyone anything?” Spock asked.

They all declined his offer and he went to the window where he could request the food he wanted. It wasn’t long before he returned with a bowl of oatmeal and a large plate of fruit.

“Is it good?” Jim asked after Spock had tasted his oatmeal.

“Quite delicious, sir,” Spock said.

“Our cook is very talented,” Mottaky agreed.

“We’re jealous that you get real food,” Jim commented. “Replicated food leaves something to be desired.”

“We’ve heard,” Harrington agreed. “There are advantages to serving on a starship.”

“Definitely,” Jim said. “Spock was telling me about the plants you are growing in your botany lab.”

Harrington confirmed that they were trying to develop plants that consumed less water, and that their quartermaster/part-time botanist had made good progress. Captain Harrington was delighted when Spock expressed his interest in returning to those labs to assist in the research.

“You are certain she will not object, sir?” Spock asked, needing to make sure.

“Not at all. Would you like me to take you and introduce you?” Harrington offered.

“Do you have the time?” Spock asked.

“Absolutely,” Harrington confirmed with a nod. “Have you had enough to eat?”

“I am quite satisfied,” Spock agreed, standing with Harrington. “I will see you at lunch, sir?” he asked Jim, assessing him silently.

“Of course,” Jim agreed, standing with Mottaky and watching Spock leave with Harrington.

“You’re sure this isn’t an imposition?” Harrington asked Spock as they walked together down the corridor.

“I hope that my presence will not be an imposition, Captain,” he said to her.

“Oh gracious. Not at all, Commander. We are honored that you would want to help,” she said, looking up at him, studying him in a way he had noticed Humans sometimes did when they had a question they couldn’t decide if they should ask.

“The honor will be mine, sir,” he said, slowing his steps when she did. He waited patiently as she looked up at him.

“I hope I’m not out of line, Commander,” she said in a low voice. “But is Captain Kirk all right?”

“In what way?” Spock asked quietly.

“Although I’ve never before met him, you can imagine that we’re well acquainted with his reputation. And the reputation of your entire fine crew.”

Spock nodded, waiting as she gathered her thoughts.

“He seems…subdued, I suppose. And I recognize that he is returning to Earth under unfortunate circumstances. But he doesn’t seem as sad as…mmm…contemplative, maybe?”

“While most people in his situation would be mourning their mother’s passing, he is dealing with conflicting and multiple emotions. He is not grieving in the traditional sense,” Spock confirmed.

“Yes,” Captain Harrington agreed. “I hope I’m not out of line saying anything. I guess I just wanted to know if there was anything we could do to help.”

“I appreciate your concern, Captain. It is entirely possible that he will be unable to sleep at some point. You have a ship’s surgeon, correct?”

“Yes,” the Captain agreed with a nod. “I’ll make sure she’s at our table at lunch. I’ve heard the stories of your Captain’s avoidance of anything remotely medical.”

“He is unusually adverse to medical intervention, sir. Fortunately our CMO is Jim’s closest friend which makes things a little easier on them both.”

“I can only imagine,” Harrington said with a smile. “It’s good that your Captain has two such good friends.”

“We are the ones who are fortunate,” Spock said with a nod.

She agreed with his assessment, going with him into the botany lab to find Lt. Hansen behind a table with several thriving plants and a microscope. “Captain, Commander,” she said as she rose to greet them.

“Lt. Hansen. Commander Spock has been good enough to volunteer to assist in your research,” Harrington told her with a smile.

“Wow,” the younger woman said. “That would be awesome, sir. Thank you.”

“I’ll leave you to it then,” the Captain said with a nod. “Abigail, I trust you’ll see Commander Spock to the mess for lunch.”

“Of course, Captain,” Lt. Hansen agreed with an enthusiastic nod, looking up admiringly at Spock.

“How may I best assist you, Lieutenant?” Spock asked her, silently amused by the near reverence of her expression.

“Huh? Oh. Well,” she said, looking at the lab table and the computer on which she was keeping her notes. She explained what she was doing and what she thought would be the next steps. Spock agreed with her assessment and said he would certainly assist in recording the data as they worked to gather it.

_o0o

As promised, Lt. Hansen escorted Spock to the mess when it was time for lunch. In the interval, she had become more comfortable in his company, chatting easily as they walked together to the mess, answering his questions without the hesitation she had shown when they first began talking.

Jim was already at the Captain’s table drinking a cup of coffee when Spock entered.

“Have you eaten already, sir?” Spock asked when he stood beside the table.

“Not yet,” Jim said with a shrug. He was dressed in a pair of black overalls, a streak of grease across his nose.

“I see,” Spock said, sitting across from him, the only ones at the table. The others in the room were careful to pretend that the two men were not present, sensing that something other than idle chatter was occurring. “Why are you not eating?”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t eating. I said I hadn’t eaten yet,” Jim corrected, his voice hard but quiet.

“Why?”

“Stop nagging,” Jim requested, staring into his mostly empty coffee cup.

“You barely ate anything at breakfast. And now you are not eating lunch,” Spock said, observing his Captain with a look of undisguised concern.

“Stop nagging,” Jim repeated, refusing to look up at him.

“Jim,” Spock said softly. The word and the way in which it was said made Jim look up at Spock, Jim’s face unable to hide the turmoil of emotions behind his mask. “Talk to me, please.”

Jim shook his head, looking away from Spock and back at his cup. “I…uhm….” He had completely closed down by the time he didn’t finish his thought.

Spock sighed very softly, standing up. “Would you like more coffee, sir?” he finally asked.

“No.”

Spock nodded, going to the kitchen to request his lunch, sitting silently across from Jim when he had his plate.

Jim stood, leaving his cup on the table. “I’m going back to engineering.”

“Very well, sir,” Spock responded, watching him walk away. Jim barely acknowledged Captain Harrington as he brushed past her and the other woman who entered at the same time. “Captain,” Spock said, standing when Harrington stopped by the table.

“Commander,” she responded, looking over at the other woman, several years older, her black hair liberally sprinkled with gray, and with all-seeing eyes that identified her as the ship’s surgeon even before the Captain confirmed it. “This is Dr. Crosbyn, Commander.”

“Doctor,” Spock acknowledged with a nod.

“Do I need to talk to Captain Kirk, Commander?” the doctor asked in undisguised concern.

“I do not know that it will be useful, ma’am. Have you spoken with Dr. McCoy?” he asked wishing he did not feel so utterly hopeless and out of his depth in trying to deal with the turmoil so clearly going on with Jim.

“I have not. Do you think it would be useful?” she asked gently.

Spock paused, considering her question. Looking at the woman in turn, he finally made a difficult admission. “I do not know what would be best at this time.”

“Your Captain…” Dr. Crosbyn started then seemed to change her mind. “It is difficult.”

“Yes. Might you direct me to Engineering?” Spock finally asked, deciding that he alone needed to see to his Captain.

“Take the corridor to the left, go down two flights and turn right,” Cap. Harrington instructed.

Spock nodded, going down to find Jim’s head and shoulders underneath one of the turbines. Spock squatted next to his hip, waiting.

“I’m not talking about it,” Jim’s voice filtered out to him.

“Why?” Spock asked.

“What’s the point? Go eat lunch,” Jim said. His words were followed by a loud banging as the wrench he held impacted on some of the tubing.

“Destroying one of the Dierdre’s engines will not alter your circumstances,” Spock said over the banging.

“Shut up,” Jim responded.

“I cannot do that, sir,” Spock said. Spock heard Jim sigh before he scooted out from under the turbine to look up at Spock, misery written all over his face.

“We would end up on a ship of all women, wouldn’t we?” Jim asked.

“Oh,” Spock said, realization dawning. “I apologize.”

“Not your fault. The irony is nearly…overwhelming. I don’t know whether to hit on them, ignore them, ask them to adopt me, or…well,” Jim said with a shrug.

“What would you like to do, Jim?”

“There’s nothing I can do. And I know acting like a four-year-old isn’t helping. But really. I’m on my way to Earth to see to the affairs of the woman who was my mother only because she happened to give birth to me. And we’re surrounded by women who… remind me of her or are the kind of woman we would all choose for our mothers if we were given the choice. Or the kind I would have hit on, before.”

“That never occurred to me,” Spock admitted.

“I didn’t occur to me either until this morning,” Jim said with a sigh. “I don’t want to hit on them because I want to hit on you. But should I even be thinking of having sex with my best friend on my way to dealing with my mother’s death?”

“Distraction is generally welcome under these circumstances.”

“Yeah. But can we jump from best friends to best friends with benefits without any of the in-between steps? We aren’t rabbits,” Jim said. “God I’m fucked up.”

“I disagree,” Spock said, sitting next to him.

“If what I’m thinking doesn’t qualify, I don’t know what ever would.”

“You are being overly harsh on yourself,” Spock told him. “I understand it yet do not know what to do to ease your mind.”

Jim sat up and looked at his friend’s face, his very presence bringing to him a calm and reassurance he cherished. “I don’t know either. They have a gym, don’t they?”

“They do,” Spock agreed, gracefully standing and holding a hand down to Jim.

“You probably don’t really want to touch me right now. I don’t want to overwhelm you.”

“I am willing to risk it,” Spock said.

Jim nodded, giving Spock his hand and allowing him to help him up. “Well?”

“I am aware of your turmoil and your desire,” Spock said walking next to Jim to return to their quarters to change.

“Mmm…” Jim responded as non-committally as he could. Yeah, the desire was definitely there, a desire he should be suppressing since he couldn’t seem to eliminate it as much as he wanted to.

“You need not be…embarrassed,” Spock assured him.

“I know. It’s just terrible timing,” Jim said as they entered their quarters. They got their work-out clothes and made their way to the gym where they chose a gravity-null chamber, bouncing off the walls and ceiling for an exhausting hour before Jim said he had to stop or he was going to be even more embarrassed by the unfortunate consequences of his stomach’s protests.

Spock slowly re-engaged the gravity until they floated back down to the floor, resting to allow their bodies time to adjust.

“You didn’t break my nose this time either,” Jim said, turning his head to look over at Spock who was staring blankly at the ceiling.

“The anti-gravity would have made the resulting blood flow difficult to contain,” Spock explained, making Jim laugh.

“I see. You talked the ship’s surgeon before you came to engineering, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“What did she say?” Jim asked, his tone not betraying any anger or concern.

“She asked if she would contact Dr. McCoy. I confided to her that at some point you would probably be unable to sleep without assistance,” Spock said, looking over at Jim who could only nod.

“’Kay.” Jim slowly rose to his feet, swaying slightly when he was fully upright.

“Are you dizzy?” Spock asked when he also stood.

“No. Just accommodating the return to gravity,” Jim assured him as he opened the door to leave. They agreed to return to their quarters, the gym showers not providing them any privacy which normally would be of no concern but since they were the only men aboard, it was sensible that they shower in privacy. “You go ahead,” Jim insisted when they were back in their quarters.

Spock nodded, locking both doors and showering away the evidence of their workout. When he emerged, he was not surprised to find Jim talking to Scotty about the repairs and upgrades.

“That’s fine,” Jim was saying. “You have my permission to make those decisions.”

“Aye sir. I’ll alert you if it becomes necessary.”

“I appreciate it, Scotty,” Jim said, signing off and looking up at Spock.

“Jim?”

Jim shook his head, going into the bathroom to shower and dress. When he came out, he looked freshly scrubbed and less…distracted. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Spock asked, looking up at him, patiently waiting.

Jim shrugged and sat at the small table with him. “I know I’m taking it out on you. And I know I shouldn’t. And I’m sorry.”

“You are not taking anything out on me, Jim. And if you feel as though you are, I am not disturbed by it. In addition, there is absolutely no reason for you to apologize for your behavior. You have nothing for which you need apologize.”

Jim had to laugh at his speech, shaking his head in amusement. And gratitude. “Thanks. I should have known you’d understand.”

“Certainly I do. Should you feel the need to continue ‘taking it out on me,’ you have my unqualified permission.”

“You may be sorry you said that,” Jim said with a charming smile which made Spock think nothing Jim could do would ever make him sorry.

“I will not,” Spock assured him.

“Thanks,” Jim repeated, standing and stretching. “Think I can get some lunch?”

“I believe that you can,” Spock said. “Should I accompany you?”

“Of course. You haven’t eaten either,” Jim reminded him.

Spock nodded, going with him to the mess to eat a very late lunch, the cook assuring them she did not mind in the least. She even joined them at their table, chatting amicably about life on board the Deirdre.

The next four days passed in much the same way. Jim managed to keep his emotions under control, not taking it out on Spock except when they worked out in the anti-grav chamber. But even then it wasn’t an angry kind of work-out. It helped to give him a healthy outlet and he did feel better afterward.

He had some trouble sleeping but refused to allow Spock to alert the doctor. It was not the beginnings of insomnia, just the kind of trouble he had when there were too many things weighing on his mind.

When they arrived at San Francisco, they thanked the crew for their hospitality and their help. And with promises that they would not be strangers, Kirk and Spock left the Dierdre behind to find Admiral Pike waiting for them when they had disembarked.

“Jim, Spock,” the Admiral said in greeting when he had gotten their attention.

“Admiral,” Jim said in response, wondering what had brought him to the cargo station.

“How was your trip?” Pike asked conversationally, studying Jim as discreetly as he possibly could.

“Fine, sir. The crew of the Dierdre couldn’t have been nicer or more professional,” Jim said, Spock nodding in agreement.

“Excellent,” Pike said with a nod. “Let me buy you lunch before you board your transport to Iowa.”

“Is there something you require, sir?” Spock finally asked as they walked with him toward the officers’ mess.

“Lunch,” Pike laughed, entering the mess when Spock had the door pulled open.

“We aren’t in any kind of trouble, are we, sir?” Jim asked, glancing at Spock while they followed Pike to a table and sat with him.

“How could you be, Jim? You have two and a half hours before you leave for Iowa. I had time to come see you off. So here we are,” Pike explained, acknowledging the waiter that came up to see to their needs.

After they had ordered their drinks, Pike wanted to know how Jim was doing, Jim not able to explain exactly. Spock filled in the missing spaces, Pike understanding but careful not to sympathize which he felt would not be welcome. “It’s normal, you know,” Pike assured Jim.

“I hardly know what’s normal, sir. My entire life has been anything but,” Jim reminded him.

“I know,” Pike assured him, pausing so they could place their orders. “Do you know how long you’ll be in Iowa?”

“Bones thinks it will take about 10 days or so, sir,” Jim said with a shrug. “I’m willing to deed the farm to Starfleet.”

“They got your message. They will accept it but are insisting on paying you for it. The house will be preserved and the farm used as a living classroom.”

“That is an excellent idea, sir,” Spock said.

“I thought so as well,” Pike agreed. “We’ll take care of the paperwork when you come back.”

“Okay. Should I have my lawyer contact you, sir?” Jim asked.

“That would be fine. I’ll direct him to the correct parties.”

“Her, sir. My lawyer’s name is Courtney St. Peter,” Jim said.

“She the one who kept getting you out of jail?” Pike laughed.

“Yes, sir. Her expertise isn’t in real estate but she’ll be able to deal with the paperwork that’s involved. I contacted her yesterday and we’ll meet with her next week,” Jim said.

“Makes sense,” Pike agreed. “Just let me know when you’ll be coming back and I’ll try to meet you. If I can’t, my yeoman will pick you up and take you to my house.”

“I appreciate it,” Jim agreed, waiting as their food was placed before them, Jim glancing over at Spock. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have ordered a cheeseburger.”

“I have no objection,” Spock assured him. Jim nodded, focusing back on the Admiral who was asking about the repairs.

Jim explained, acknowledging that as long as Scotty was there, the Enterprise was in excellent hands, and that he had been in contact with Jim. The Admiral wasn’t at all concerned, assuring him that he would sign any authorizations the repair facility felt needed higher permission than Jim’s.

After a very pleasant lunch, Pike walked them to the passenger section, his rank getting then directly onto the transport with no fuss or delay.

“Keep in touch,” he requested as they entered the transport.

“We will,” Jim assured him with a last wave, taking the seat the attendant indicated, Spock next to him.