memo

 to: finest, absoluete bestest fleet on a starcrew. Ever. In the history of Ever.
from: Captain
re: regarding: news for the rule year

Hey!!

Here’s more stuff starfleet said to stop doing. Or start doing right away now. Whatever:

1. no more partying. Naked. Wait. Does that mean no more partying at all? Or no more being naked? What about showers?? Spock…???
2. No more food. Fights are prohibited. Oh crap. No more food? Can they do that? Wait. I think it means no more food fights. Yeah. That’s what they mean. I guesst aht elimnates Monday night meatball mayhem, huh?
3. Too much fratrenization amongst command and junior crew. Oughtn’t that really be between? Not amongst? And isn’t amongst just this side of pompus? I’ll ask Nyhara tomorrow. God she’s hot. Oh sorry Spock.
4. Only regular boring uniforms can be worn on duty. No more cowboy boots or hats or spurs or really sexy shirts that button up the front with snaps that make a really cool pop-popping sound when Spock opens them once we’re bck in our quarters all alone. I sure hope what happens after that isn’t called partyin’ cause they said we can’t do that anymore. Jealous. The lot of them.
5. Movie nights can’t last all night cause they think we can’t operate “at full capacity” if we stay up all night long watching all 15 Rocky movies or more than 17 Halloween movies in a row even if it is Halloween and Chekov I promise to NOT tell anybody that those movies scare you so much you have to sleep in our quarters with us ‘cause you’re sure you’ll be killed by a mad stalker hockey player in the middle of ship’s night alhtough I really can’t understand why Sulu can’t protect you but who am I to judge?
6. They don’t want us playing poker anymore. /something about stripe poker being on the security tapes? I don’t know what they’re talking about, hoenstly. Wait, that should probably be strip poker. Sorry.
7. They said that we can’t go to Risa for the next year which seems just a little harsh if you ask me ‘cause that fire that burned down the hotel was so totally not our fault. Not at all.
8. Apparently ‘you got it’ isn’t the “right” way to acknowledge orders. They don’t much like ‘copy that’ ‘yeppers’ ‘sure, anything for you you big hunk of handsome’ either. Damn sticks in the muds. eVery one of them. ‘cept Chirs Pike. We loooooove him.

Okya. Think that’s it for now but I just know they’re goin’ tell me a bunch more stuff later on. And I’ll tell y’all as soon as I get it. You know I love you. Rigth?

MEMO:

To: Captain James T. Kirk
From: Commander Spock
Re: Your memo from New Year’s Eve Concerning Crew Behavior

Captain,

I have taken the liberty of correcting the memo which you composed after imbibing in several too many drinks in the traditional celebration of the new solar year on Earth. Once you have recovered from your “mother of all hangover headaches,” I trust you will read, approve, and disperse the memo in question.

Please let me know if you have any questions about the modifications I have made. I will be available to discuss these changes at your convenience.

1. The crew must cease in the current habit of uncontrolled bacchanalias which include drinking to excess, eating to excess, and the removal of appropriate attire while still in the company of crewmembers with whom they are not already engaged in a relationship of an intimate nature.
2. There will be no further hostile engagements between crewmembers utilizing food as weaponry. It is a waste of resources, both in terms of the food being thrown and used as projectiles, and the crew hours needed to clean up after the latest battle has occurred. This absolutely eliminates any further meatball volleys on Monday or any other day of the week. Despite best efforts to convince them, they do not concur that it is appropriate training and/or practice for countering actual acts of hostility.
3. StarFleet has once again requested that if members of the crew wish to fraternize with other members of the crew that they are to do so on their time off-duty. There is to be no more “tonsil hockey,” “hooking up,” “snogging,” or “face sucking” while on duty. None.
4. StarFleet has also reminded the crew that only regulation uniforms are to be worn on duty. No civilian attire is appropriate especially on the Bridge. This is an addendum to the reminder previously issued that blue jeans are not now nor have they ever been appropriate attire for the crew of Enterprise.
5. Movie nights must henceforth be limited to the hours of 1800 – 2300. This is adequate time for most cinematic presentation to be concluded. “All nighters” are banned and interfere with crew efficiency in ways that StarFleet finds both unacceptable and disturbing.
6. All games of chance, including poker of any kind, are banned from the ship. StarFleet has made this a regulation and is intent on eliminating poker from all of its starships. Anyone caught engaging in games of chance, including poker, will be put on report and confined to quarters.
7. Regrettably, the crew of Enterprise has been banned from the shoreleave planet of Risa for the duration of one solar year. The authorities on the planet were not convinced that no one from Enterprise was responsible for the fire which destroyed the hotel in which most of the crew was housed. Whether the fire was or was not the fault of a member of our crew, we will be assigned other shoreleave destinations for the next solar year.
8. You are reminded that “yes sir,” “no sir,” “understood sir,” are the appropriate responses to orders, directives, and/or questions from your superiors. Other forms of responses are considered informal and not to be used. You can be court-martialed if you repeatedly disregard this directive. This also includes all responses to Admiral Pike, although he is admittedly less concerned with matters of protocol than many members of the admiralty.

MEMO:

To: Spock
From: Jim
Re: Latest Rules on Crew Behavior

Love,

Thank you for intercepting the memo before it could be fully dispersed. Although most of the crew was probably way too inebriated to have read it even if you hadn’t stopped it from going out ship-wide.

I also appreciate your editing efforts. I have made a few minor changes so that it will be more in alignment with the language and tone I generally use. Let me know if you have any questions or concerns before I send it out.

Thanks again. Love you! Couldn’t do it without you!!

1. It has gotten back to StarFleet that we often engage in full-on revelry which, on occasion, ends up with several of our crew loosing their uniforms in public. While I have no intention of banning parties from our ship, please do try to remain fully clothed throughout the entirety of the festivities. Or we’ll all be in very hot water. (And I don’t mean the kind in a Jacuzzi.)  
2. We have to stop having food fights. Their rule. Not mine. I understand why they don’t want us wasting the food or the hours it takes to clean up afterwards. But Team Awesome was finally about to overcome the once-commanding lead of Team Completely Illogical so I’m as disappointed as you that we must stop.
3. StarFleet has once again requested that if members of the crew wish to fraternize with other members of the crew that they are to do so on their time off-duty. There is to be no more “tonsil hockey,” “hooking up,” “snogging,” or “face sucking” while on duty. None. Off duty – have at it. As long as all parties are willing, no harm no foul.
4. StarFleet has also reminded the crew that only regulation uniforms are to be worn on duty. Civilian attire isn’t appropriate, especially on the Bridge. This is in addition to the reminder previously issued that blue jeans are not now nor have they ever been appropriate attire for the crew of Enterprise. When you’re off duty, wear what you want as long as it’s “decent.” Lt. Uhura continues to be the arbiter of what is and is not appropriate. And no, she doesn’t have a built-in prejudice against all green clothes.  
5. Movie nights can last only from 1800 to 2300. They said, again, that “all nighters” have to be banned because they interfere with crew efficiency in ways that StarFleet finds both unacceptable and disturbing. Even if I don’t agree, I can’t do anything about it. But I will talk to them again.
6. All games of chance, especially strip poker, are banned from the ship. StarFleet has made this a regulation and is intent on eliminating betting opportunities from all starships. Anyone caught engaging in games of chance, including poker of any kind, will be put on report and confined to quarters. Again, I think they are being a little draconian and I’ll talk to them. No promises though.
7. Regrettably, the crew of Enterprise has been banned from the Risa for the duration of one solar year. The authorities of the planet were not convinced that none of us were responsible for the fire which destroyed the hotel in which we were staying. Whether the fire was or was not our fault, we will be assigned other shoreleave destinations for the next solar year.
8. You are reminded that “yes sir,” “no sir,” “understood sir,” are the appropriate responses to orders, directives, and/or questions from your superiors. Other forms of responses are considered informal and not to be used. You can be court-martialed if you repeatedly disregard this directive. This also includes all responses to Admiral Pike, although he is admittedly less concerned with matters of protocol than many members of the admiralty.

MEMO:

To: Jim
From: Spock
Re: Your modifications to the memo concerning crew behavior

T’hy’la,

You are, as always, correct concerning your need to make revisions to the modifications I made to your memo. I find no further alterations necessary and trust you will transmit this memo when time allows.

MEMO:

To: My Love
From: Your T’hy’la
Re: Memo’s Been Sent

Now please come to bed. I miss you and I’m cold. Hurry? Mkay. Thnx!