
Because bookdragon01 threw down the Pirate gauntlet and how could I refuse?
“Keptain! Keptain!” Chekov said in even more excitement than he generally exhibited as he crossed Officers’ Mess to the Captain’s table. Three sets of eyes watched him skid to a stop, very nearly colliding into the edge of the table.
“Chekov,” Jim responded, trying very hard not to laugh out loud at his navigator. He did peek around him to see if there was any chance Sulu was close by, ready to rescue the officers from the Ensign’s enthusiasm. “What can I do for you?”
“Keptain! Today on Earth calendar is September 19. Did you not know? How could you not know, sir?” Chekov asked nearly apoplectic over the Captain’s omission. Of some kind. But of what, exactly?
“It is indeed the 19th of September in most time zones on Earth, Ensign. I am unfamiliar with any particular significance to the date,” Spock said, relieving the Captain of having to swallow more of his laughter to state the same thing.
“Sir,” Chekov said in near incredulity. “September 19 is Talk Like a Pirate Day.”
“Oh dear God,” Bones groaned into his coffee. “Didn’t you make them sign some kind of maturity statement before you let them on your ship?”
“Shoot. I knew there was a form I forgot,” Jim claimed in amusement. “And no offense meant, Pavel, but I have a hard time imagining you talking like a pirate. And if you do it in Russian, kind of defeats the purpose.”
“Da, sir,” Pavel had to agree. “But Hikaru is a good Pirate speaking. He says he will not speak it if you do not provide him okay.”
“I see,” Jim said, trying to disguise his laughter behind his coffee cup. “You want Hikaru to talk like a pirate today.”
“Aye sir,” Pavel said proudly. “Arrgh.”
“In fact, there is no proof that pirates of old ever said….”
“Spock,” Jim said, shaking his head to stop his First Officer from ruining the entire day for the Ensign. “All right, Pavel. I’ll make the announcement. But I will also make it clear that today is talk like a pirate day. Not dress like a pirate day.”
“Aye sir,” Pavel repeated. “He can dress like a pirate only in our quarters. That would be ship-shape, yes?”
“Yes,” Jim agreed. “Aye matey.”
“Thank you, sir. You won’t be having disappointment.”
“God I hope not,” Jim said too softly for the Ensign to hear before he hurried out.
“Seriously? You are going to let the overgrown children on this boat go around and say arrgh! Ahoy. God-only-knows-what else?” Bones asked
“What’s the harm? Really, Bones? They know that if an emergency situation comes up, they’ll have to revert back to standard Standard. Stop being such a gloomy Gus.”
“I am not a gloomy Gus, you over-grown man-child. You just want an excuse to say Arrgh.”
“I have no such intention,” Jim assured him with a laugh.
“Mainly because Spock would kill you,” Bones suggested.
“I have no such intention,” Spock said, making Bones groan.
“You just have to talk alike, don’t you? So my head hurts even more,” Bones complained, laying his head on the table in an overly-theatrical gesture of defeat.
“Why are you so grumpy?” Jim asked, looking down at him and shaking his head.
“More so than usual?” Spock asked with a elevated eyebrow.
“Yeah. A lot worse than usual,” Jim agreed. “You talk him out of it. I’m going to announce Talk Like a Pirate Day.” Jim could feel Spock’s eyes boring into his back as he crossed over to the wall comm. “Hey beautiful.”
“Thank you, Captain,” Lieutenant Roy McKinnon said, laughing.
“Oh. Sorry, Roy. It’s not alpha yet, huh?”
“Not yet, sir. Uhura should be here any minute.”
“Okay. And you are quite…attractive,” Jim laughed.
“Was there something I can do for you, sir?” McKinnon asked, having absolutely no desire to have a Vulcans-are-not-angry Vulcan stalking him because his soulmate was an invariant flirt. It was in his blood. Nothing to be done about it.
“Yeah. I need a shipwide channel, please.”
“Of course, sir,” McKinnon agreed, pressing the correct buttons to connect Jim to the entire ship.
“Ahoy, me harties,” Jim announced. “It’s been brought to me attention that today be Talk Like A Pirate Day. Iffn you be so inclined, feel right free to speak in a manner befittin’ this auspicious occasion. I am asking that you note that the day is Talk not Dress or Act like a Pirate day. I trust you know this means no weapons of the sharp dangerous kind are allowed to be strapped to your person. Commander Giotto will be trolling the hallways and…uhm… gangplanks to make sure. Remember – it’s talk like a pirate day. Have fun. Be safe. That is all.”
Jim wandered back over to his table to find Bones talking to Spock in a suspiciously animated fashion. “Good job,” Bones said in an off-hand manner to Jim. “You know it will be good for the crew. Surely we have something that will do as decorations.”
“What are you doing?” Jim asked in some concern, looking from Spock to Bones and back.
“The Doctor has decided that today would make for an… acceptable excuse to throw a party for the crew. For purposes of morale, of course.”
“Of course,” Jim said, staring at Bones in disbelief. “I walked away for 2 minutes and now you’re suddenly the morale officer and cruise director?”
“Now who’s being grumpy?” Bones said, standing up to clap Jim on the back. “See you later. I have a party to plan.”
“What?” Jim asked as Bones walked away, whistling what sounded suspiciously like A Pirate’s Life for Me. Really bad eggs, indeed.
“I cannot explain,” Spock admitted. “Once you had left, he became inexplicably enthusiastic about the idea of putting together the festivity.”
“He’s up to something,” Jim said suspiciously. “See if you can find out what.”
“Rather than reporting for duty, sir?” Spock asked, making Jim laugh.
“We’re off today. Which you know. Why don’t you want to follow Bones?”
“I have no objection to following him. It is being snared in his web of insanity which causes me to hesitate.”
Jim laughed at Spock’s explanation, shaking his head. “I promise not to tell him that you called him insane if you’ll go find him. Then tell him you have to meet me in our quarters, for a very important discussion. In 20 minutes.”
“A discussion about regulations?” Spock asked, amusement shining in his dark eyes.
“Sure. On fraternization between commanding officers.”
“Very good,” Spock agreed. “I will see you in quarters at that time.”
“Giotto to Kirk,” the wall comm requested.
“Yeah Sam?” Jim responded.
“Seriously, sir? You agreed to it?” Sam asked, his disbelief transmitting across the comm.
“Yeah. Can’t do any harm, right?”
“Sir,” Sam said in his patented ‘voice of doom’ tone.
“What? They can talk like pirates. Not act like or drink like or fight like. It’ll be fine.”
“With all due respect, sir.” Sam stopped and Jim could hear him take a deep breath.
“You just gave up, didn’t you?” Jim laughed.
“I live to serve, sir. I will check your crew for sharp deadly weaponry. Ought I give them to Lt. Sulu if they aren’t his I confiscate?”
“Sure. Bones is planning a party. You’ll come, right?” Jim asked.
“Oh Lord. Sir.”
“I’ll take that as a yes, Sam. I’ll be in my quarters if you need me. Spock will be with me for the most part. In case you need reinforcements. You know, to make some scallywag walk a plank.”
“Aye sir,” Sam said in defeat. “I’ll report as the need arises.”
“Thanks,” Jim acknowledged, disconnecting and watching the officers who were entering the mess. Several greeted him in appropriate pirate-fashion. A few looked at him like he was even weirder than they had ever believed. But for the most part, there was a universal expression of resigned acceptance. They had, after all, requested assignment to the Enterprise. Maybe they were high at the time?
“Hey,” he heard Uhura say as he left the Mess. She was standing in the corridor, her hands on her very fine hips. “What the hell?”
“Lieutenant?” Jim responded, barely disguising his laugh.
“I am not anyone’s wench,” she informed him, making her point with sharp jabs into his shoulder. “I’m not anyone’s beauty. And I swear on all that is holy, if any of your juvenile delinquent crew tries to plunder my bounty, I’ll send them to Davey Jones’ locker. You got me? Captain?”
“Understood. Loud and clear. Aren’t you due on the Bridge? Ma’am?”
She did not respond except for turning on her heel, her ponytail swishing in silent displeasure as she walked away, in time to miss him laughing quietly at her retreating back.
He finally made it to his quarters, some of the crew trying out their phrases on him to which he mostly responded with a noncommittal nod. He hadn’t been in quarters for long when Spock came in, a look of mild horror on his face.
“What?” Jim asked, not sure he wanted to know frankly.
“We may have caused an overload of the universal translator,” Spock said. “It is trying to render pirate-speak into regular Standard.”
“Oh dear,” Jim laughed. “Uhura’s already mad at me. She’s going to run me through for this.”
“Quite possibly,” Spock agreed, approaching Jim to stand within his personal space, which was admittedly nearly non-existent. “We need to have farewell sex in that case.”
“Farewell sex?” Jim laughed even harder. “What was Bones doing?” Jim asked between kissing Spock’s neck.
“He convinced Lieutenant Matherson to assist him with preparations for the festivities,” Spock said as he pulled Jim’s shirts off in order to kiss him down to the top of his pants.
“So once we’ve completed our coitus, you’re just going to let Uhura kill me?”
“Possibly,” Spock claimed.
“Well. Okay. I guess. Make the sex awesome, okay? Since it’ll be our last time.”
“When has the sex been less than awesome, sir?” Spock asked as he guided Jim backward to their bed.
“With you?” Jim teased.
“I have no interest in any other sexual experience in which you may have engaged during your misspent youth.”
“True,” Jim agreed. “Then, no, the sex has never been less than awesome.”
“What do really bad eggs have to do with pirates?” Spock asked as he unfastened and lowered Jim’s trousers.
“After. I’ll explain after,” Jim promised.
“That is acceptable,” Spock agreed, kissing him silent, no talking of any type undertaken for the next very enjoyable stretch of time.
A/N: OMG. It’s late and I have to go to work tomorrow. I know the ending is somewhat abrupt and I’m sorry. If you want my muses to write about the party, let us know? If not, that’s cool too. Thank ye, me hearties!