MEMO:

To: The Finest Crew in all of Starfleet
From: Captain James T. Kirk
Re: Upcoming and Well-deserved Shoreleave for the Crew

Before we begin making final plans to depart for our upcoming shoreleave, Starfleet Headquarters has asked that I remind you of the rules which govern Starfleet personnel and their actions while off-ship. Many of these rule you already know, but as the admirals pointed out to me, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. (I'm certain our beloved CMO would concur with that! Huh Bones?)

1.     I know that I do not need to remind you that no one from the Enterprise can visit Risa for this shoreleave. We cannot return for another 203 Earth days. We are all too aware of the reasons behind this ban and do not need them reiterated at this time. Anyone who ignores this directive and visits Risa will be arrested and court-martialed. Starfleet has provided the administrators of Risa with all of our holographs, official Starfleet identification numbers, and other identifying information which they refused to divulge to me even though I am your Captain and have a "need to know." They apparently see it differently. Oh well. At least I tried.

2.     Unless you are going to a shoreleave planet that is specifically designated as "clothing optional" you are required to remain appropriately dressed anytime you are in public - i.e. in the restaurants, on the public streets, in the shops, at the pool, on the beach. Let me thumbnail this for you - unless the resort allows it, don't go naked. And no, it doesn't matter how smokin' hot you are, you still have to remain fully clothed. I double-checked.

3.     Dr. Leonard McCoy, our much loved Chief Medical Officer, has requested that I include a reminder that all personnel have easy access to free condoms - as many as you want /need /covet. Use them. Do you really want to return from shoreleave and be forced to admit that you ignored his wisdom and as a result contracted Matrorian Malaise? Do you have any idea how many hypos it takes to cure that? NOT that I know from personal experience. I've just heard. So if you're going to engage in recreational sexual encounters, use the condoms!

4.     If you choose to engage in dangerous and/or "extreme" sports while on shoreleave (which may or may not include sexual encounters, depending on the species with whom you have said encounters), Starfleet will not be fiscally responsible for any resulting medical treatment, hospitalization, physical rehabilitation, or interment. Anyone wishing to go cliff diving on Byhorka or body surfing on Yryty is advised to take out the accidental death and dismemberment insurance they offer, prior to engaging in these admittedly hazardous leisure activities. Personally, I prefer you return from shoreleave all in one piece but if you feel compelled to fulfill your lifelong dream of bungee jumping off the south wall of the Grand Canyon, Starfleet will not pay to have your leg reattached to your body. Just so we're clear on that.

5.     If you were to get arrested while on shoreleave, this too is your problem. Starfleet will NOT send a legal representative of any kind to assist you, bail you out, plead your case, and otherwise try to convince the local authorities that you really did believe that writing your name on the stone wall of the temple using your phaser was a time honored and much beloved tradition. Best we leave our phasers on the ship. And I have no personal experience with experiences of this sort. I've just heard, through the grapevine, as it were. Captains gossip too you know.

6.     Do NOT under any circumstance contact Lieutenant Uhura during shoreleave. It is not her responsibility to translate for you what the being you just met in the bar said after you had spent considerable time and credits plying the being with drinks in hopes that the two of you would be spending quality time together. Uhura is NOT available to tell you whether the being you are interested in said "yeah, sure, why not, you aren't so bad for a human," or "not if you were the last sentient being in the universe would I agree to spend time with you but thanks for the drinks." Don't contact her. Please. (If you do determine - totally on your own - a willingness on the being's part to engage in horizontal recreational activities, don't forget to engage safely. Refer to #3 above for the reminder concerning necessary precautions.)

7.     Stop asking Chief Engineer Scott about his plans for shoreleave. You know perfectly well he won't take shoreleave when the Enterprise is in for repairs. Why must you continually ask him? So he'll swear at you some more? Seriously and for the last time. He's not taking shoreleave so stop asking him.

8.     Do NOT build a bonfire during your time on shoreleave. Not on the beach. Not poolside. Not on the volleyball court. Not in the woods at the edge of town. And definitely NOT inside any structure. Do NOT build a fire. At all!! (Please don't get us banned for other shoreleave planets. Starfleet is running out of places to send us and out of patience.)

9.     Commander Spock and I will be taking our shoreleave in an undisclosed location on an undisclosed planet. Chief Scott and Admiral Pike are the only ones who are privy to the actual destination for our leave. You do NOT have permission to ask them where we are simply because you miss us, or you want to get married to someone you met on shoreleave and feel the need to secure my blessing, or worse - you are under arrest and under the impression I'll come get you. I won't. You may contact us only in the case of a legitimate emergency. Chief Scott and/or Admiral Pike are the only ones who are authorized to decide if it is an actual emergency. You are not authorized to make that decision for yourself. And I'm pretty sure you don't want to be the one who wakes up Admiral Pike in the middle of Earth's night to plead your case that you really really do need to talk to me because I'm the only who understands and the only one who can help and it won't take very long, you promise. You can be very sure that if you do manage to contact me while I'm on leave, I will NOT understand, I will NOT help, and I don't give a damn that "it will only take a few minutes." I'm NOT dealing with your "crisis" when I have the opportunity to spend my time in much more enjoyable pursuits. Isn't that right, Spock?

10.  Dr. McCoy will be with us on leave in our secret location so don't try asking him where I am. You won't find him. And before any of you allow your fevered imaginations to run wild, we have two separate cabins/ chalets/ rooms/ lean-tos/ houses/ accommodations. So if you are having any inappropriate mental images because my BFF (and personal physician who will not render me permanently unconscious by trying to stop an allergic attack to something I've never been allergic to before) is coming with us, stop right now. The first crewmember who smirks inappropriately at any one of the three of us will have your leave revoked. Permanently.

11. As much as I appreciate you thinking of me while you are on leave, it is entirely unnecessary for anyone to bring me a token of your good time. I have no room for replica tikki huts, no real need for puka shell necklaces, no safe place to display snowglobes with miniature versions of the ski resort you visited, and since the Enterprise doesn't have a dashboard per se, no appropriate area to display hula girls that wiggle and wink at you. If you are insistent on procuring a souvenir for me, I have no objections to sampling the local spirits from whichever planet(s) you visit. (And yes Bones I'll give it to you first to analyze to make sure I won't go into anaphylactic shock from drinking it.)

Keeping in mind these rules will help us all enjoy our leave and prevent any unfortunate incidences like the one that occurred on Risa. Most of all, please be careful. We want all the members of our family to return from leave safe and sound, as well as rested and ready to continue our exploration of places unknown.

MEMO

To: Captain James T. Kirk
From: Lt. Uhura
Re: Appreciate it

Captain:

Thank you for reminding those adolescents you call your crew that I am not their personal translator. Maybe this time they'll listen and I won't have to explain the difference between "sure I'll have dinner with you" as opposed to "sure I'll have your babies." Subtly is as lost on them as it is on you.

Have fun on leave. Some people will miss you, I'm sure. Please don't loose track of Dr. McCoy. We need him back! I'm not worried about Spock. He'll always find his way back here. Which I guess means you will too. Oh well. See you when we're all back safely aboard your starship.

MEMO

To: The Lovely and Talented Lt. Uhura
From: The Equally Lovely and Talented Captain Kirk
Re: You're Welcome

Do let me know (when we're all back aboard my starship) if any of the crew asked you to be their translator. I'll deal with them, I promise.

We'll keep track of Bones. And Spock will make sure all of us return safely. You can thank him later. Or you can just thank me on general principle. (Just kidding Spock!)

I hope you also have fun on leave. And I know you'll miss me. You just can't admit it - I totally understand. ‘Cause I'm awesome like that!

MEMO

To: Captain Kirk
From: Lt. Sulu
Re: I'll be way more careful this time

Captain,
You can be sure I won't get hurt this time. Pavel would kill me if I did. We're going to Totoga where swimming in the ocean is the most dangerous thing we'll be doing. Pavel already said I can't go parasailing or scuba diving or cliff diving or sand dune-boarding. I'm a little disappointed but when he asks me not to do any of those things, how I can really ignore him? I can't.

I hope you and Commander Spock have a good time on leave and that Dr. McCoy doesn't spend the whole time telling you what you can't do or eat. Of course, you probably want to listen to him so you'll come back to us all in one piece. Just like I will!

MEMO

To Lt. "Extreme Sports Enthusiast" Sulu
From: Captain "Better Safe Than Sorry" Kirk
Re: Thank you for playing safe

Thanks for your assurances that you won't be engaging in any activities which would result in the Enterprise requiring a substitute pilot for an indeterminate amount of time. And I understand how you feel utterly compelled to listen to Pavel when it comes to your safety and well-being.

Have fun and be safe. I look forward to hearing how you spent your leave (safely) when we're all back.

MEMO

To: Captain James T. Kirk
From: Ensign Pavel Chekov
Re: Thank you so much, sir

Hikaru promised me he won't be getting hurt on shoreleave this time. Thank you sir. It's not a lot of fun to spend shoreleave in a hospital room waiting for Hikaru to recover. Not that I wouldn't do it for him. Because of course I would. But it's much more fun to spend it with him when he's conscious.

And now thanks to your memo, he'll be more careful. And I'll ask him to buy you some of the local vodka from Totoga. I'm sure it's good even though it can't possibly be as good as real vodka from Russia, where it was invented.

I hope you have a really good time on leave. You deserve it. And I'm already looking forward to when we'll be back so I can tell you all about what we did! I'll take lots of holographs!

Thanks again, sir. You really are the best starship Captain ever.

MEMO

To: Ensign Chekov
From: Captain Kirk
Re: Safe Shoreleave

You are very welcome. If my reminder keeps Sulu out of the hospital, success will be its own reward.

You two have a really good time on shoreleave. I've heard Totoga vodka is pretty good. Not as good as Russian vodka, by any means. I look forward to sampling it when we're all back from leave.

MEMO

To: Captain Kirk
From: Scotty
Re: Upcoming Shoreleave

Captain,
I'm sorry about those crew who I may have yelled at for asking me about my plans for shoreleave. Why can't they understand that I don't want to leave My Lady to the infernal meddling of those spacestation know-it-alls? And you can be sure I'll take good care of her while you're off gallivanting with Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy.

You can also be sure that I won't be giving anyone the information about where you'll be staying. It's a secret that is safe with me. If someone asks, and it sounds like it might be a real emergency, I'll see to it that they contact Admiral Pike for the information. That may work to put the fear of God into them and they won't contact the Admiral at all.

Most of all, have fun and please be careful. The Enterprise needs her Captain.

MEMO

To: Scotty
From: Jim Kirk
Re: I know the Enterprise is in good hands

Scotty,
Thanks so much for your note. I know you'll watch out for our lady while I'm gone. And if you need me for any reason, you know you have permission to contact me.

Once we're all back aboard, I'll make sure you get a chance to take leave. Anywhere you want, even Risa. Admiral Pike will be able to smooth things over for you, especially since you weren't there during "The Incident."

Thanks again.

MEMO

To: The Possibly Soon-to-be-late Captain Kirk
From: Your Chief Medical Officer, the one who can have you permanently relieved of duty, which you might do well to remember!
Re: Your latest memo

You never cease to amaze me. You really don't. If I weren't afraid you'd end up dead on shoreleave, I'd stay here. I'd have a much better time, I can tell you that for sure.

MEMO

To: My BFF, the best Chief Medical Officer in all of Starfleet and possibly the Universe
From: Your BFF whom you would miss desperately if you didn't come with us on shoreleave and there's no use denying it because I know the truth

I love you. I know you know that. We're leaving day after tomorrow at 0800. You'll be ready, right?

MEMO

To: Captain Kirk
From: Commander Spock
Re: Your Memo Regarding Shoreleave

Clearly you have chosen to disregard my previous requests that I be allowed to review all memos prior to their dispersal to the crew. I thought that perhaps after the New Year's Eve Memo (the one you inadvertently entitled "news for the rule year") which as I am sure you recall I intercepted and modified to spare you from embarrassing yourself to the crew, you would have acquiesced to my request to preview all such correspondence. However, as you failed to "learn your lesson" and sent out the latest memo prior to allowing me to review it, I cannot modify it in any way. I can, however, request clarification on several points contain therein.

1.     I have nothing constructive to say about the crew of the Enterprise being banned from Risa. The fact that you were the one who started the bonfire that burnt down the hotel did not escape my attention. It still surprises me that you were not arrested for your unintentional act of arson. Admiral Pike made a timely arrival to prevent you from spending the next few years in a Risa prison. Although that does sound like something of an oxymoron. I am not entirely certain that there are prisons on Risa. Something I will investigate as time allows.

2.     As you have chosen for us to spend the first week of our shoreleave in Canada, I know that I do not need to concern myself with your predilection for considering any shoreleave destination "clothing optional." I know that even you have enough reason and adequate sense of self-preservation to remain fully and appropriately clothed the entire time we are in the Frozen North. When we arrive in my chosen destination of Hawaii, I trust you will also remain clothed in a manner appropriate both to the resort where we will be staying and your position as Captain of the flagship of Starfleet. (Within our bungalow, however, I trust that clothing optional will be the rule of the day. Except when Dr. McCoy is in our company, of course.)

3.     I know that you have no plans to take with you any condoms on this or any other shoreleave. We certainly have no need of them. And I continue to be pleased that Dr. McCoy was able to effect the cure of Matrorian Malaise which you contracted prior to the time we became acquainted. As the terminal result of that disease can be impotence and death, it would have been a tragedy had he not been able to successfully treat you for it.

4.     Now that you have warned the crew against engaging in "extreme" sports, may I take this to mean that you also will be avoiding all inherently dangerous and potentially deadly recreational activities? I know that you would like to "shred" several mountains but I must strongly advise against the attempt. And if you choose to ignore my request, I will enlist Dr. McCoy's assistance to see that you do not "shred" anything while we are in Canada. Likewise when we are in Hawaii, I know that you will participate in only safe, approved recreational opportunities. This does not include body surfing the gigantic waves off the shore, or repelling into one or more of the extinct volcanoes that make up the islands which we will be visiting.

5.     The likelihood that any member of the crew will be arrested is greatly reduced by the fact that Dr. McCoy and I will make certain that you are not arrested. I acknowledge that it has been 1.385 years since your last incarceration on a shoreleave planet and I do appreciate that fact. As do Admiral Pike and Starfleet. I am flattered that you engraved both of our names, surrounded by the heart symbol, on the wall of the temple despite the fact that I repeatedly warned you of the illegal and unwise nature of the activity.

6.     I know that Lt. Uhura appreciates your reinforcement that the crew is not to contact her while they are on leave. While she is unmatched in interrupting and translating countless languages, she should not ever be put in the position of arranging a liaison between one of the crew and any being that crew member just met while on shoreleave. And while I have no particular response to your request that the Lieutenant can "thank you on general principle" I can say with some degree of certainty that she will not be thanking you for anything in the new future. Not in the way in which you imply, if I am interrupting your statement correctly which I am confident I am.

7.     I was encouraged to see that you and Chief Engineer Scott have (finally) agreed to jointly claim ownership/fatherhood of the Enterprise. Your bickering over which of you had the most rights to this starship, while amusing to some members of the crew, became wearisome to others. I know that you will be able to fully relax on shoreleave certain in the knowledge that Chief Scott will oversee the repairs, upgrades, and modifications to what is, in reality, Starfleet's starship.

8.     I am certain that the terrain and extreme temperatures of Canada will prevent the construction of any bon type fires and we will therefore not need to concern ourselves with the possibility of burning down the cabin in which we are staying. And you can be completely certain we will be constructing no such fires in any location on the Hawaiian islands.

9.     Thank you for reminding the members of the crew that we too will be on shoreleave. Their unquestioned loyalty and devotion to you has been termed, by others, as inspirational, and it ensures that they do all that you ask (no matter how seemingly unorthodox the request) without question and ultimately successfully. It is a sign of your ability and dynamic personality as their Captain that they demonstrate such allegiance to you that they would request from Admiral Pike your location while on leave so that they might contact you with seemingly trivial matters. You have in every way become the prototypical "father figure" that defines the most successful and effective starship captains, even though you are not old enough to be the actual father of any member of your crew with the possible exception of Ensign Chekov. And as we have be shown countless holographs of the Ensign in the bosom of his family in Mother Russia, there is no doubt that you are in fact not his actual father. Although I know that he wishes you were.

10. I have nothing of consequence to add to the announcement you included that Dr. McCoy will be accompanying us. I suspect that it will only increase the number of rumors which already circulate that you and he are also a couple. I have heard no such speculation concerning he and I, and am grateful for that omission. I am, in fact, grateful that Dr. McCoy agreed to join us on leave so that he can assist me in keeping you out of harm's way and out of jail. I do not understand, however, why you continue to antagonize him and draw his ire. Everyone acknowledges that the two of you are best friends (minus benefits) yet he seems to be in a continual state of rage against you. I seem to be destined to never fully understand some aspects of Human behavior.

11. Thank you for asking the crew not to bring you tokens or souvenirs from their travels. I am unable to understand the purpose of a snowglobe, find no logic in miniature replicas of tikki huts, and think that the hula girls to which you referred are both tasteless and demeaning to women native to the regions of Earth they represent. I do not object to you being the recipient of puka shell necklaces, especially when shift is over and I return to our quarters to find you wearing only such an ornamentation. If the crew does present you with bottles of native alcohol, I trust I will not be forced to confiscate them to prevent you from overindulging in your effort to determine your favorite new drink, all in one afternoon.

I will be returning to our quarters at the conclusion of Alpha shift to begin packing for shoreleave. If you have not already done so, I urge you to see to that task as well. While we are determining how to get all of the thermal underlayers I will need into my tote, perhaps you can clarify those points I have enumerated above.

I look forward to discussing these and other more personal matters upon your arrival.

MEMO

To: My Love
From: Your T'hy'la
Re: Shoreleave Rules and Regs

You're right, as usual. I should have let you read the memo before I sent it out. I'm sorry. My excitement about our upcoming shoreleave clouded my judgment. I promise to make it up to you tonight in such a way that you may even forget that I forgot, again.

Before you get here, finally, let me address some of your comments and concerns, which of course you wouldn't have had to send to me if I had remembered to show it to you before I sent it out. At least it's nowhere near as bad as the infamous New Year's Eve memo. OMG. Thanks again for saving me from myself - can you imagine if you hadn't intercepted it? I promise, cross my heart, that I won't send out any more memos until they have the "Commander Spock" seal of approval.

1.     I still contend that I was not to blame for the fire that burned down that hotel. I was on the beach when it happened. So how could it be my fault? I was willing to take the blame so that the rest of the crew could return to the Enterprise and I knew Chris would come bail me out, again. It doesn't really matter whose fault it was, really. I'm sorry we can't return to Risa but Canada and Hawaii will be a great substitute.

2.     Of course the week in Canada won't be "clothing optional." I'd freeze my...hinny off. Can't have that. Especially since Bones will be staying in the cabin with us. Good thing the bedrooms are on opposite ends, huh? Once we get to Hawaii, however, all bets are off. Like most of my clothes. My new Speedo arrived yesterday. You're going to really like it. What there is of it. According to the concierge at the resort where we are staying, we have our own private beach. Which means we can both be completed naked and no one will be able to see us. Except Bones. And he's seen us naked as many times as we've seen each other. Or just about.

3.     You can be absolutely sure I won't be taking condoms with me. Only plenty of...other necessities. I got us some cinnamon flavored...necessities. I think you're going to like it. It's quite tasty.

4.     I told you just like I told Bones - I am not engaging in extreme anything except lovemaking! And that's mainly about the amount not the type. I won't be shredding any mountains, only possibly some sheets. And the only place I'm planning on going body surfing is on top of you. And possible the Jacuzzi tub in the bungalow in Hawaii.

5.     I promise I'm not going to do anything that could result in being arrested. I promise. I know I shouldn't have carved our names on the wall of that temple. But I may have over-indulged in their native drink which clouded my judgment. Good thing Chris was on that side of the galaxy, huh?

6.     Uhura should never be asked to help any of the crew to "hook up." And if I can't stop them from doing it, she's going to make me pay. Big. You know I didn't mean it when I said she could thank me later. Just kidding! (Although your inference as to what I meant was right on the nose. You understand Human slang and innuendo better than you want anyone to believe!)

7.     Scotty and I will always fight over whose starship this really is. Of course we both know she "technically" belongs to Starfleet. But we are her primary caretakers. Her fathers, if you will. And no, I'm not old enough to be the father of any member of the crew, even Chekov. I would have been 8 when he was conceived. Even I didn't start that early. I really didn't. Oh wait. Your fatherhood diatribe was in number 9. Sorry. Skipped ahead.

8.     No bonfires, I swear. A small fire on the beach in Hawaii for s'mores and that's all. I checked with the resort. They are allowed and there are no palm trees anywhere close by. We're safe.

9.     Chris promised me he'd keep our location secret unless he decides it's a legitimate emergency. Which he classified as Earth being threatened by another particularly troubled Romulan. Why would anyone have to contact us anyway? I know the crew is attached to me. It's a mixed blessing. But I think they will respect our time away, this time. At least I hope they will. I hope they don't pester poor Scotty to death. You can be sure that I would never dare ask him anything more than once because he can be pretty blunt about the stupidity of anyone who asks the same question repeatedly. And I promised to bring him all the hooch he wants if he doesn't tell a soul, so hopefully that will stop him from accepting any bribes from the crew. And yes I know Chekov has a boy-crush on me. He'll outgrow it, I hope. I've talked to Sulu about it and fortunately he thinks it's funny. I don't really find it amusing but at least Hikaru doesn't want to use me for target practice. He promised he'd talk to Pavel while they're on leave. Maybe it will help. I'm not too hopeful.

10. Bones loves me. You know it. I know it. He knows it. That's why he's coming with us. And the crew can gossip all they want about me and him being "an item." I don't care as long as you don't believe it. He yells at me because he can. And he thinks it's his duty as my BFF (minus benefits) to keep me "humble." Whatever. Doesn't change how I feel about him. Or how he feels about me. Not that I love him in anyway the same I as I love you. But you know that too. And so does he.

11. I won't sample all the souvenir alcohol in one afternoon. I do have some sense of self-preservation despite what you and Bones want to believe. And if I get any new puka shell necklaces, you'll be the first one to see it. You can be sure you won't be distracted by any clothes when I show it to you.

I'm very much looking forward to the conclusion of Alpha shift, which is now. Look at that! I don't intend to pack. That's what I have a yeoman for. He can pack for you too. He's very good at getting lots of thermal underwear in a very small space. Very organized, thankfully.

As soon as you get here, I'll make up for forgetting to show you the memo before I sent it out. And anything else I may or may not have done that I need to "apologize" for. If you know what I mean.

Please hurry.