MEMO:
TO: The Finest Crew in Starfleet
FROM: Captain James T. Kirk
RE: Upcoming Earth Winter Celebrations and Expected Crew Behavior

As we approach the traditional Earth Winter Celebrations, it is timely for me to remind the finest crew in Starfleet what is and is not considered acceptable behavior aboard our starship. Perhaps keeping these guidelines in mind will help us avoid some of the unfortunate instances which occurred last winter, and for which Starfleet Command has yet to completely absolve us. We can find an appropriate balance between celebrating the upcoming holidays AND adhering to appropriate crew behavior.

I am enumerating below those items of which I am requesting the crew remain cognizant as we celebrate the holidays and our joy at being one big happy family:

1. It is fine if you want to make eggnog in your quarters. It is also fine to share it with anyone who enjoys it and/or is not allergic to it. It is NOT fine to spike it with rum and then give it to certain below-the-legal-age-for-drinking bridge personnel. And if anyone provides our underage navigator with spiked eggnog this year, I will find out who did it, and you will live to regret it.
2. You are welcome to have what Spock insists on calling replica conifers in your quarters. You’re welcome to put on it strings of miniature electric lights and all manner of ornaments. You are not, however, permitted to have a live tree in your quarters. You are also expressly forbidden from putting actual candles on real or artificial Christmas trees. It’s both dangerous and against regulations. Do you want to be the one who has to spend this Christmas in rec room 2 like Ensigns Porter and Jones did last year when they tried to incinerate the entire ship? I know it was an accident. I know Porter forgot to blow out the candles before she came to the party. But it still caused considerable damage to their quarters and resulted in the evacuation of their entire corridor. So no real trees and no candles on your tree. None.
3. For the final time, Spock is NOT one of Santa’s elves. Yes, I know there is a resemblance between Spock and the traditional depiction of Santa’s elves, including his green skin and pointed ears. But Spock is NOT one of them. He doesn’t wear pointed shoes with bells on them (not even in the privacy of our quarters). He cannot convey your list of requested Christmas gifts to Santa. He has never played reindeer games. He has never met Rudolph and therefore can neither confirm nor deny that his nose seems to glow. Seriously, can you imagine Spock at the North Pole? Two words – DESERT DWELLER. The next person who asks him what it’s like to be one of Santa’s helpers will be put on report and will not be allowed to attend any of the forthcoming celebrations. I trust I have made myself clear on this point.
4. Mr. Scott is the finest chief engineer in all of Starfleet. No one can doubt this. However, he is NOT going to make it snow in Rec Room 1 for our annual Christmas party. It would be a tremendous waste of water, time, resources, and energy. I know you want a traditional white Christmas. I understand the nostalgia you feel when it snows on a planet we happen to visit. But it is NOT going to snow on board my starship. Not this year. Not next year. Not ever.
5. To whomever iced over shuttle bay 3, it would have been nice to if you had requested permission before flooding the bay and opening the bay doors. However I know that many of our crew miss the opportunity to go ice skating, especially around Christmas. Since snow IS OUT OF THE QUESTION, I will allow the ice skating rink to stay for the duration of the holidays. Henceforth Bay 3 will be known by code name Rockefeller Center.
6. While Lt. Uhura does resemble an angel, stop asking her to sit atop your tree. It is disrespectful and anatomically impossible. She is a respected Starfleet officer, not a decorative ornament. And she does not appreciate being asked, repeatedly, where she left her halo or if she has yet to earn her wings. She is from Earth. She did not fall from Heaven. Your juvenile pick-up lines were out of date three centuries ago when they were first used. Leave her alone or I’ll allow her to tell you where you can put your Christmas tree. And it won’t be in the corner of your quarters.
7. Dr. McCoy is NOT the Grinch. His heart and his shoes are NOT three sizes too small. He does not sit in his quarters just hating the Whos (or the crew). He doesn’t have a dog, much less one named Max. He has never taken the Who-feast including the roast beast. And he doesn’t take the last can of Who-hash. He has never given Little Cindy Lou Who who is no more than two a cup of water. He’s a doctor, dammit. Not a cartoon character.
8. Anyone who attempts to beam aboard a horse this year will be transferred off this ship. Immediately. We cannot have sleigh rides through corridors and it is entirely inappropriate (not to mention cruel) to try to tie antlers to the horse’s head so it will resemble a reindeer. At the risk of being repetitious, we are a starship, not an ark. No livestock of any type is allowed on board. So that pretty much means, Sulu, that if you want to reenact your living nativity, you better use cardboard cutouts of camels, sheep, cows, and any other animals that might have resided in the stable at the birth of the Christ Child. (Although I do admit that Chekov looked awfully cute wrapped in swaddling clothes, laying in the manger. But don’t do that to him again, please. He’ll never forgive either of us.)
9. It is not appropriate to ask any of the bridge crew to scan the sector of space in which we are travelling to see if they can find signs of a jolly old elf in a sleigh being pulled by 8 tiny reindeer. If you really have to know where Santa is at any given time, go to NORAD. Use Googlegalaxy - you’ll find it. They follow Santa’s course every year. The sophisticated and state-of-the-art instrumentation on the bridge of our starship does NOT track Santa’s journey. Don’t even ask.
10. You are welcome to play Holiday music on your own personal devices. You are welcome to play it in the mess, providing the others present do not object. We will certainly have music at our annual party. However, under NO circumstances is anyone allowed to play the following songs anywhere that I might hear them. I asked you to stop last year. This year if you play them, I’m putting you on report. No, I’m not kidding:

• “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.” WTF - is any song LESS in the spirit of the holidays? Not in my recollection.
• “My Favorite Things.” OMG - I love “Sound of Music” as much as the next person. But that is NOT a Christmas song. How it ever got connected with the holidays is one of the universe’s constant mysteries.
• “The Christmas Shoes.” Just don’t go there.
• “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” The original version is bad enough. But whoever changed the lyrics so it now says “I Saw the Captain Kissing Mr. Spock” will be put on report as soon as Spock figures out who did it. It’s not that it’s not true. And we don’t need mistletoe to entice us to do it. But the song is stupid, the music horrific, and the revision…disrespectful. Yeah, that’s it.
• “12 Days of Christmas.” I don’t really mind this song but once Spock hears it a couple of times, it repeats in his head over and over and over again. Trust me. You do not want to spend an entire shift on the bridge when I haven’t been able to sleep because he’s calculating how many swans a swimming the recipients ends up with, how many square meters of water she would need for all of them, and how much it cost her suitor to provide all of those gifts. Best we just don’t play that song. Ever again.

In the spirit of the forthcoming Holidays, I am going to allow all crewmembers to wear whatever they wish on the Earth day of Christmas. Please keep in mind that “whatever” applies only to those items of clothing considered appropriate to be worn in public – jeans and sweaters are fine. Leggings with a cropped top are NOT. If you are in doubt as to what may or may not be appropriate, please consult Lt. Uhura. She has graciously agreed to be the arbiter of “appropriate” causal clothes.

Thank you in advance for your efforts to adhere to these rules. Should you wish to discuss any of them with me, you are welcome to do so. You will not, however, change my mind. Just so we’re clear on that. It does really rock to be Captain.

MEMO:
TO: Captain James T. Kirk
FROM: Lt. Uhura, Earth Angel
RE: It won’t help

Captain,

While I appreciate your efforts to stop your crew from hitting on me, using old, tired clichés to try it, you won’t be able to stop them. Especially since they have all witnessed you trying them on me. Even after you and Spock became an item. I still don’t know how he can put up with your juvenile behavior but I do admit I’ve never seen him happier. Yes, I can tell.

If any of your crew sneaks past me in leggings and a cropped sweater, let me know. So far everyone who has come to me for advice have shown a surprising level of maturity and appropriateness, something you might consider learning from them.

Will you save me a dance at the Christmas party? Maybe that will prove to the crew that we’ve made up and I no longer have plans to…show you disrespect. Or any part of my anatomy. Just so we’re clear on that.

MEMO:
TO: Angel Uhura
FROM: Jim Kirk
RE: At least I tried

Of course I’ll save you a dance. I’m flattered you asked. And thanks for agreeing to be the “gatekeeper” on casual Christmas outfits. Anyone who shows up dressed in a CFM outfit will be sent directly to you to deal with them. (Spock would never forgive me if I said they had to come to me. A sacrifice worth making for him!)

If anyone tries to hit on you, I hope you’ll tell me. I promise I won’t laugh this time. I’ll tell them individually to stop. If that doesn’t work, I’ll send Spock to tell them. And I promise not to hit on you as much. You’d know I was lying if I said I’d stop completely. Especially since we are the two most beautiful people on this or any other spaceship. And I can assure you that Spock agrees. And since he’s also one of the most beautiful individuals ever to exist, it’s only appropriate that he’s dated us both. Too bad you never said yes to me so we’d all be even.

But that’s not really the point, is it? Thanks again for the promise of the dance. And do let us know if anyone makes inappropriate advances to you. We’ll stop it, I promise.

MEMO:
TO: Captain Kirk
FROM: Lt. Sulu, Noah of the Enterprise
RE: Living Nativity

I’m sorry, again, about the mess the animals made last year. We won’t use live ones in this year’s nativity, I promise. And Chekov has repeatedly refused to portray Baby Jesus so we may have to use a doll. Can I count on you to be Joseph again? Uhura said she would be Mary if you promise not to pinch her as you make your way to “Bethlehem.” Mr. Spock will be one of the wise men, with Scotty and Dr. McCoy the other two.

I won’t bring any live animals on board, I promise. And let me know about being Joseph when you get a chance.

MEMO:
TO: Lt. “Noah” Sulu
FROM: Captain “Joseph” Kirk
RE: This Year’s Nativity

Of course I’ll be Joseph again this year. And I won’t pinch Lt. “Mary” Uhura. That would be disrespectful both to the mother of the Messiah and to our splendid communications’ officer.

Don’t worry about the mess the animals made last year. As long as I have your promise you won’t bring them aboard again, we’ll consider the matter closed. The crew did enjoy it but it is against regulations.

I’m sure we can find a doll of some sort to represent Baby Jesus. Ask Lt. Matherson to requisition one if you need to. We’ll charge it to the “misc. supplies” budget line. Starfleet has long since stopped asking me to explain each of those charges. Something about no other starship needing Star Wars band aids, AA batteries for their lightsabers, or popcorn with extra butter for movie night. Seems like perfectly reasonable supplies to me.

Let me know when rehearsal for the Living Nativity is scheduled. I’ll make sure Spock comes. But please let him be the Wise Man who brings the gold. Dr. McCoy said he will do unspeakable things to me this year if I have another allergic reaction to the frankincense or myrrh. Or any other substance you substitute for those two gifts. I know no one else would be allergic to pine cones and cedar shavings…but, well, you know.

MEMO:
TO: Captain Kirk
FROM: Chief Engineer “No Snow In Our Forecast” Scotty
RE: Meteorological Phenomena and Livestock Onboard Enterprise

I’m glad to report that so far nobody this year has asked me to make it snow for the party. If they do, I’ll tell them no, again.

I was wondering if you have reason to send out a follow-up memo about all of our favorite Christmas traditions if you would mind including a note asking that the crew stop trying to roast chestnuts on my warp engines. The popping and crackling keeps scaring Keenser. He’s sure we’re under attack and runs and hides. I’ve tried explaining it to him but since he’s not from Earth, he can’t understand roasting chestnuts. I’m not entirely sure I understand it myself but the noises the chestnuts make don’t send me scurrying to my quarters.

I checked Shuttle Bay 3 - AKA Rockefeller Center - and it appears we have some very talented skaters among the crew. As you requested, I removed the security tape for the timeframe during which the ice appeared and forwarded it to your computer. (If it mysteriously erases itself, I have no backup copies to provide anyone else.) It will be a gargantuan undertaking to clean up all that water but I believe it will be worth the added effort once the holidays are behind us. I have taken it upon myself to adjust the bay temperature to maintain the ice for your skating convenience. Not that you would ever flood a shuttle bay for your own purposes. BTW, we could have the only Starfleet Ice Hockey Team. Might you be willing to requisition skates and sticks? Don’t forget the helmets.

I programmed the transporters so that they won’t transport livestock for the next month. I don’t want to leave the programming permanently since some of the lifeforms we’ve encountered on certain planets appear to be more bovine than Human. But the programming I put in place will make sure there are no camels brought aboard.

Let me know if there’s anything else I can to do help out.

MEMO:
TO: Chief Engineer and Meteorologist Scotty
FROM: Your Grateful Captain
RE: Snow and Livestock Being Absent From Enterprise

Sounds like the transporter programming you put in place will be helpful. Thanks. Sulu did promise me he wouldn’t smuggle any animals aboard so now we should be doubly safe from livestock.

Spock and I will check the security tapes for Shuttle Bay 3. I will speak to the avid ice skater myself and explain that flooding the bay was an inappropriate use of starship facilities. The tape may be accidentally erased. Technology is not flawless, after all. Thanks for maintaining the correct temperature for the ice. I will order the ice hockey equipment ASAP. It will be under the recreational equipment budget so they won’t question it, I hope.

I will make a special shipwide announcement concerning the chestnuts. That’s just all kinds of wrong. And I’m sorry they scared Keenser. I hope he’s okay now.

If there’s anything else I need you to help with, you know I’ll let you know. And I appreciate your offer.

MEMO:
TO: Captain Kirk
FROM: Ensign “Not Baby Jesus” Chekov
RE: Nativity and Eggnog

Captain,

He didn’t mean to give me spiked eggnog, I promise. And he was sorry after I drank his by mistake. It won’t happen again, I promise.

If it isn’t way too much to ask, could you tell him, please, that I don’t want to be Baby Jesus this year? It’s not that I don’t wish you were my father. And who wouldn’t want to be swaddled by the very beautiful Lt. Uhura? But that cradle is way too small. And it gets really cold laying there. And the animals look way bigger when they are standing over you. Not that it scared me. Because it didn’t. Just like it wouldn’t scare you.

MEMO:
TO: The Very Brave Ensign Chekov
FROM: Captain Kirk
RE: Spiked Eggnog and Living Nativity

I know Sulu didn’t mean to give you spiked eggnog but he needs to be more careful. I don’t blame you. You don’t need to worry about it.

I will talk to Sulu and tell him to stop asking you. I have already told him to requisition a doll to stand in for the Christ Child. I think that will take care of it. But if he asks you again, let me know. He and I will have a little chat.

Of course the animals didn’t scare you. But since there won’t be any real animals in the nativity this year, none of us have to worry about them drooling on us. Thankfully.

Let me know if there is anything else you need me to help you with. And an early С Рождеством!

MEMO:
TO: Kirk
FROM: You haven’t seen a Grinch
RE: Stay away from me. Indefinitely

“He’s not the Grinch.” Really? Do you have a death wish??? “His heart and his shoes are NOT three sizes too small.” My shoes are the perfect size to shove up your….never mind. “He does not sit in his quarters just hating the Whos (or the crew).” Except YOU. You I hate.

MEMO:
TO: Dr. “Spirit of the Holidays” McCoy
FROM: Jim, Your BFF
RE: I love you, now and always

If you were ever Grinch-like, which I’m not saying you ever were, you are now the after-Grinch. Not the before Grinch. You know, your heart has grown four sizes!! And you can carve the roast beast at the party, I promise.

Still BFFs?

MEMO:
TO: My T’hy’la
FROM: Your Love
RE: Your recent memo: Upcoming Earth Winter Celebrations and Expected Crew Behavior

Love,

I thought that we had agreed that you would allow me to preview any further memos which you wrote and intended to distribute ship-wide. Perhaps in your haste to prepare our quarters for the upcoming Christmas holidays, you forgot about your promise to me in this regard?

As your latest memo has already been distributed, I would like to request clarification and/or amplification on several of the included points. I trust we will have the opportunity to discuss these as soon as you finish flirting with Lt. Uhura, making Ensign Chekov blush, annoying Dr. McCoy, challenging Lt. Sulu to a duel at ship’s dawn, and asking Chief Scott to reconfigure the external sensors to detect Santa and his sleigh:

1. I trust you have no intention of attempting to make eggnog again this year. Nor will you be imbibing in eggnog made by any of the other members of your crew. If you choose to ignore this request, I will not remain awake all night as your body violently rejects that which you drink. And now that you have annoyed (again) Dr. McCoy, I am confident he will also refuse to remain with you as you purge the eggnog you should have never drunk to start with.
2. Wasn’t the Christmas tree in our quarters last year real? While I would never accuse my Captain of hypocrisy, this does sound like what other members of the crew might remark as “the pot calling the kettle black.” Not that I minded having a decorated, dead tree shoved in the corner of our quarters. But clearly we will not be repeating that experience this year. As you were wise enough to avoid adding candles to the tree, I know there is no need to remind you of the danger inherent in open flame on a starship.
3. Thank you for your attempt to prevent the crew from asking me if I am one of Santa’s elves. I do not know that it will stop them from repeating that particularly asinine question. Especially after they have enjoyed three or four cups of spiked eggnog. And I appreciate the fact that you claimed I never wear pointed shoes with bells, even in our quarters. I know how much you enjoy it when I do wear them and I promise to put them on as soon as we complete Alpha shift.
4. Does Engineer Scott have the technology required to make it snow? Or is this simply a request that the crew stop asking him? If he does have the necessary technology, I certainly hope he never utilizes onboard Enterprise. The reduction in the ambient temperature required to preserve the snowfall would be distressful to those of us who were born into more temperate climates.
5. I cannot fail to note that you requested that Shuttle Bay 3 be left frozen only after you had gone skating. Are you planning to erase that portion of the security tapes showing the one who flooded the bay so that I alone will be cognizant of your rink creation and solo skating party? I do admit some surprise at your talent and grace on ice skates. When you told me that you had done a lot of ice skating as a child, I had assumed you meant playing ice hockey. It did not occur to me that you had practiced figure skating. You are very accomplished at this sport, as you are at most everything you attempt.
6. Lt. Uhura is angelic in appearance. And I have been witness to your attempts to flatter her with the “lines” you have told others not to use. Why you continue to flirt with her is entirely mysterious to me. It does not concern me, as Vulcans are not subject to such juvenile and useless emotions as jealously.
7. Why do you continue to antagonize Dr. McCoy? Just as he was finally ready to forgive your previous attacks on his character, you exacerbate the situation by likening him to a mean-spirited, antagonistic, and thoroughly unpleasant persona of Human mythology. He is acknowledged by one and all as your best friend (minus benefits). Does this give you license to be unkind to him? Again, I will not interfere with your lover’s quarrel. You started this latest round. You will be solely responsible for the retribution that will undoubtedly be visited on your head.
8. I have agreed to be one of Lt. Sulu’s Wise Men for his reenactment of the Nativity. Thank you for issuing the order forbidding live animals aboard Enterprise. It was unnecessary and inherently cruel to the confused livestock. In addition, I approved and forward the requisition made by Lt. Matherson for a doll, male, human, infant. Starfleet is no doubt wondering why we need such an item but as you pointed out, there have been requisitions for even less obvious “supplies.” And as they will contact you rather than me for clarification, I had no hesitation in forwarding the requisition.
9. I have nothing constructive to add to your request that the crew cease in the requests that we scan our current sector of the galaxy for the presence of Santa and his sleigh. And I will make certain that the appropriate portion of NORAD is on our computer in our quarters beginning 0001 (one minute past midnight) Earth date 25 December.
10. Those holiday songs which you listed are among the very worst offenders of those songs the crew insists on playing incessantly. However, need I remind you that I find all such selections mundane, repetitious, and hardly qualifying as “music”? I know how much you love them and I do not object to your renditions in the privacy of our quarters, providing you choose some of the less objectionable songs. For instance, “Silver Bells” is descriptive and quite lovely. “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” is mercifully short. And “O Holy Night” sung by artists of great renown is truly beautiful. I know that Lt. Uhura especially enjoys the version sung by early 21^st century singer Josh Groban and I concur with her assessment. It will be playing in our quarters when you arrive. We will appreciate the artistry of the song prior to engaging in other activities. Yes, you can wait the 4.47 minutes the song takes from beginning to end.

I look forward to the opportunity to share Bridge duty with you on Christmas day when you will be wearing your jeans and red sweater. Perhaps I will wear casual clothes that day as well. Not jeans but other, appropriate attire.

I trust we will discuss other items in your memo when you arrive at our quarters at end of Alpha shift. Which is only 21 minutes from now.

MEMO:
TO: My Love
FROM: Your T’hy’la
RE: Memo on Appropriate Holiday Behavior

My love,

I’m sorry. We did agree that I would provide the memos for your review before I sent them out. I forgot. And there was some urgency to transmitting this memo since Christmas will be here before we know it. Next time, I promise. I won’t send it out until I have your seal of approval!

I am very much looking forward to arriving in our quarters at the conclusion of Alpha shift to discuss the finer points of this latest memo, and other equally important items of ship’s business. Before that time, allow me to address your response so that we will have dealt with that topic and can move on to more interesting pursuits. If you know what I mean.

1. No, I won’t be drinking eggnog this year - spiked or otherwise. I swear to you I used to be able to drink it without it doing unspeakable things to me. I don’t know why I’m suddenly allergic to it. But not to worry – I learned my lesson. No eggnog this year.
2. Yes the tree we had last year was real. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Again, a mistake I won’t be repeating. You know that the last time we were on a starbase, I purchased a small artificial tree. It will look really cute in the corner of our quarters. And I won’t put any candles on it. I got lights shaped like candles. Really cute. Maybe we can put the tree up when we finish discussing “ship’s business.”
3. Of course I told the crew you didn’t have pointed shoes with bells. That’s our little secret and will remain so. And I am sorry the crew keeps asking for your directions to the North Pole and is Mrs. Claus as jolly as her husband. Maybe this memo will help stop them. If not, let me know who asks you and I’ll have a chat with them. They will only get coal in their stocking.
4. No, I don’t think Scotty really can make it snow. He is tired of being asked. So maybe this will help stop it. We’ll see. And I can assure that we will not be reducing the ambient temperature of any portion of the ship to preserve the snow that will not be falling in the ship. Not to worry. You won’t need to borrow my earmuffs, mittens, scarves, or thermal underwear.
5. I know. I shouldn’t have flooded and gone ice skating in Shuttle Bay 3. But it is good exercise. And, yes, I took figure skating lessons. Please don’t tell anyone. It was figure skating or ballet. Not that there’s anything wrong with ballet. But imagine the taunts I would have gotten from dancing. When the neighborhood boys saw me with skates, they were too stupid to figure out they weren’t hockey skates. Apparently taking skating lessons was supposed to provide an outlet for some of my “excessive energy.” And they didn’t think hockey would be a good idea since they seemed to believe I already spent too much time beating the crap out of people. Who knew? Yeah, we’ll erase the part of the tape that shows my vandalism. Nobody will know but us, right? I will assign the next three crew members who ask you about being Santa’s elf to clean up the mess after the holidays.
6. I flirt with Lt. Uhura because she expects me to. Just like you do. Bones would have be strapped down to a biobed if I didn’t hit on her at least once a shift. I know you aren’t jealous. That would be way below your dignity.
7. I wouldn’t say I antagonize Bones as much as tease him. And he is grouchy. And Grinch-like. I’m not worried about his most recent threats or protests. We’re still BFFs and always will be. He can yell at me all he wants. He still loves me. Not the way you do. And I don’t have any desire to have hot, steamy, unbridled, uncontrolled sex with him. Oh wait – was that TMI?
8. Thank you for agreeing to be one of Sulu’s Wise Men again this year. Starfleet has already contacted me about the requisition for the doll. I told them Bones needed it for demonstration purposes. Fortunately, they didn’t ask me what he was planning to demonstrate on it. I guess I should tell him I used his name for my own purposes. Or maybe I won’t. I’ll tell him if he didn’t keep threatening me, I’d be more forthcoming with information. That sounds plausible, right?
9. Thanks for finding NORAD for me. I know it’s a silly tradition but I still love watching him cross the universe as he delivers present to good little boys and girls. Thanks for indulging me. I’ll make it worth to you, I promise.
10. Are you saying that I shouldn’t sing the Christmas carols at the top of my voice? That I may not be the most talented singer you’ve ever met? Okay. I admit it. I have talents in other areas. And I have heard that rendition of “O Holy Night.” It is truly beautiful. And we’ll listen to it before we pursue other activities! No way could it be playing while we are involved in….you know.

Yes, I’ll be wearing jeans and my red sweater on Christmas. New jeans, not the ones I wear only for you. And if you wear your black velvet shirt with the silver lettering on the cuffs and placket, I’ll show my appreciation in a very special way. A Very Special Way.

Now that Alpha shift is finally over, I’m on my way to our quarters. You have on your pointed shoes and nothing else, right, my little elf?!??! Sure hope so.